After a long and lucrative run, Heaven has finally succumbed to the downturn in the economy. For the first time in over six thousand years, the eternal celestial domain finds itself in the red.
"We're really bummed", said St. Matthew, Heaven's accountant. "We always paid our bills on time, and enjoyed a solid cash flow from donations down on Earth. But since that crazy mortgage and banking crisis, people just aren't digging as deeply into their pockets. It's kind of scary."
HeavenCorp, Heaven's parent company, announced layoffs for over twelve hundred angels and their support staff last week. "I don't know what I'm going to do", said Jegudiel, an archangel who received his pink slip this morning. "No more cushy benefits, no more expense accounts. I'll have to sell my wings on eBay for Christ's sake!"
As Heaven downsizes, billions of souls are feeling the pinch, and they are not happy about it. "What the fuck?" said Billy, an irate customer who was killed by by a bus on Earth last week. "I prayed hard and lived a life of austerity and piety for eighty years, just to get into this place. I've only been here a week, and they stopped mowing the goddamned golf course and closed down the steakhouse over on Cloud Seven! This was supposed to be a fucking eternity of bliss!"
God tweeted Heaven's customers and said he "understands their frustration" and promises to staff up the ailing almighty kingdom just as soon as the money comes in.
"Whatever!" said Vicky, a pissed off former nun, and 275 year resident of Heaven. "We were guaranteed unending joy. Then they shut down the frozen yogurt palace and now they only heat up the Jacuzzi every other week. I'm ready to catch the next train back to Earth and get a job as a pole dancer."
Pastor Jeb Hawkins of Sacred Heart Church in Hibbs, Kentucky, spoke for the earthbound: "My congregation is praying really hard everyday for the souls up in Heaven. But MaryJoe here has three kids, two jobs and an ulcer. And Clyde is barely able to keep his hardware store open, with WalMart moving in and all. So we'll send a check when we can."
The Vatican, one of the wealthiest organizations on Earth, has been called upon repeatedly to rescue Heaven from bankruptcy and possible liquidation. But in spite of their assets, the Vatican hasn't stepped up. Their underground vault is believed to contain enough gold to save the Kingdom of God ten times over. When asked to be interviewed for this article, the Vatican politely declined.
Heaven received a final notice from the gas company for non payment. "We're moving the numbers around, even selling off harps and halos on Craigslist to make ends meet.", said a dejected St. Matthew. "If we can't scratch enough dough together by the thirty first, they're going to shut off the gas. Believe me, it gets cold up here real fast."
As Paradise prepares for the worst, God has brainstormed with his top angels to find a way to keep Heaven from becoming history. Broke, hungry and freezing, Heaven is considering its final option: a bailout from its filthy rich neighbor, Hell. "It's not my favorite plan", said a reluctant God, "but they have plenty of warmth, lots of money, and everyone's having fun down there."
If Heaven accepts the bailout, Hell will take immediate ownership. "Sure, we'll control Heaven", said a very excited Lucifer. "But we won't change anything. Really. I promise."
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume