The Republican Party scrapped plans to hold their 2020 convention again, this time in Jacksonville, Florida. “This was our Plan ‘B’ after we got drummed out of Charlotte last month,” complained an angry president, “Whatever.  Some overblown virus isn’t going to stop us from throwing a full-on, packed-in, rootin-tootin’ convention like you’ve never seen before.”

And so, they moved on to “Plan C”.

But efforts to revive the glittering spectacle rapidly deflated with each scheduled venue. The GOP first settled on the Greasy Wings Bowling Alley in Paducah, Kentucky. “It’s going to be a challenge fitting all those delegates and party loyalists into a bowling alley,” said GOP event planner Horace Hatchethead, “but the show must go on.”

But after cases started spiking in the area, the GOP was sent packing once again. After weeks of searching, they got a new convention site at Razzle Dazzle 1980’s Video Arcade in Toledo, Ohio. “Delegates can play Pac Man and Donkey Kong while waiting for their president,” explained the president. “Gloves are optional.”

The deal fell through. But the GOP didn’t give up. They got invited to Jumbo’s Clown Room & Strip Club in Wingo, Arkansas. But health code regulations limited the event to 50 customers. “Not big enough,” howled the president. And so, they moved on.

“We’re not discouraged,” explained Mr. Hatchethead. “We are fully confident someone will take us in.” The homeless political party got turned down at nail salons, massage parlors, locker rooms, bondage cellars, and even a food truck. “It’s just not safe and sanitary”, said Manny Bleb, owner of Manny’s Sushi & Donuts food truck.

Finally, the Republican Party found an old abandoned VW Bug in some tweaker's backyard. “This’ll do!” said an excited GOP party planner. “25,000 screaming fans in glittering stars and stripes cowboy hats, all crammed into a 1972 VW Beetle with no air conditioning on a hot summer day? No problem. Just bring your own food, beer and toilet paper.”

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  ©2020 Anti News, Chris Hume