ROSEMONT, NH: Global Energy Works, a corporation, slipped and fell on the ice in a public parking lot Friday and sprained its neck. The 750 billion dollar transnational conglomerate, (who is also a person), was put in a gurney and rushed to the hospital. Although in stable condition, Global Energy Works was still complaining of acute pain and trauma, as well as anxiety, and plans to sue the small town of Rosemont for damages.
"My client has suffered greatly, and is entitled to full restitution", said Harold Wiggleton, the corporation's lawyer. Rosemont, a struggling town of 12,000, stands to lose everything if Global Energy Works wins. Rosemont's Mayor Willy Michaels was alarmed. "This faceless corporation comes into our town, sprains its neck, and wants to rob us! We'll be bankrupted! It's unfair, and frankly unconstitutional!"
Actually, it IS constitutional. Under the new improved U.S. Constitution, Global Energy Works is a fully recognized corporate person, with a heart and soul, and is protected by the same laws as anyone else. "My client has dreams, fears, and desires just like you and me," asserted Harold Wiggleton, Globy's lawyer. "He has freckles, a small bald patch that embarrasses him, and hemorrhoids. He also likes burritos, pornography, Arnold Palmers, and puppies."
Globy, as he prefers to be called, took the stand in a neck brace. He also wore an arm cast and added some dark makeup under his eyes for dramatic effect.
"I just want justice for my suffering", Globy said in a choked voice. "That is all." The judge awarded Globy 12 million dollars, drilling rights in the town's park, and permits to run a high voltage transmission line across the school playground.
In fact, Globy has had a lucrative career, using his personhood to acquire great wealth. He has slipped and fallen in over 47 towns, suing them for trauma and anguish. "A scraped knee can bring in forty thousand bucks. God I love our Constitution!"
Globy's earnings have grown into an empire. From sprawling hog farms to vast coal mines to towering landfills, he might be one of the richest persons in America. And now with the town of Rosemont safely under his belt, Global Energy Works pulled off his neck brace and lit up a cigar to celebrate. "Life is good. And let this be a warning to all of you two legged, one headed, warm blooded creatures out there. There's a new breed in town. We may not have hearts, or lungs, or even brains. But we're persons too. And you're going to learn to like it!"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume