A cacophony of crazed cultists staged a completely coup-coup coup at the Capitol today.

“This crystal-induced can of crackers totally flew the coup!” said one eyewitness. “It was like Animal House meets Black Friday”. The curdled cream of the illiterati smashed through the windows of the sacred building, thinking it was WalMart offering a doorbuster super special on democracy.

But it was a clunky coup. A Kool-Aid Revolution. It's like Washington crossing the Delaware, but with no teeth and no brains. It's like the Allies storming the beach at Normandy, but with no cause and no balls.

The cultists waited for their doggie biscuit. When their Coup-Coup Cult leader issued the command, the coup-coup chips in their skull cavities activated, and the mob rolled forward like a giant Confederate Cracker Barrel.

 “We got tear gassed!” said a shocked coup-coup crybaby. “We were only storming the Capitol to get some awesome incriminating selfies!” The Kool-Aid Revolution lasted for more than 3 hours, (the shortest revolution in history) before crumbling into a wad of cum-stained Kleenex. “I broke into the Capitol and all I got was this lousy orange jumpsuit,” complained a cuffed coup-coup cultist.

But history is being rewritten before the ink has even dried. “We weren’t there!” howled a Viking-horned man-child in face paint, “This is all the work of deep state leftist pedophiles disguised as us!”

Faux News declared their claims to be true, and the coup-coup birds received a presidential pardon.

Anti News ©2021 Chris Hume