After 4 years of soul-crushing stress and mind-shattering anxiety, America finally got a long-overdue back rub and deep tissue massage.

“Ohhhh, yes! A little higher and to the left,” moaned America as it got a firm squeeze to its Continental Divide, “That’s it! My sweet spot.”

The Appalachians were full of knots and the Great Plains were full of lumps, but after a 45-minute session in a steam room scented with jasmine oil, the ravaged country exhaled and smiled for the first time in years.

The Great Lakes got a well-deserved detox and the South received a much-needed delousing. The Grand Canyon got flossed and the Mexican border got waxed.

“I was sore and stubbly and filthy,” sighed the country, “now the dirt’s just falling away.”

A blissful America rolled onto its back and had hot towels placed on its capitol domes. Its rivers were cleansed, its swamps were drained, its forests were shampooed and its skies were scrubbed.

“I can breathe again,” said America. “I can uncurl from the fetal position and run through the fields again.”

The Gulf Coast got an enema, the Rust Belt got douched, and Florida’s panhandle got a happy ending. “Whew! I really needed that,” said the exhausted but euphoric state.