A far dumber strain of the deadly coronavirus has surfaced over the past few months. It is more dangerous and contagious than COVID-19, and it leaves its victims in a state of stupefied mental paralysis.

“This mutant variant, known as ‘QVID-19’ is spreading like a wildfire of stupid”, explained dimwitologist Dr. Clarence Boofus. “Once the virus has hooked itself into the host’s brain, it floods the neural pathways with toxic fairy tales and garbled conspiracy theories.”

Unlike COVID-19, which is transmitted by spittle or open-mouthed sneeze droplets, QVID-19 is transmitted through cell phones, laptops and whiny, failed
ex- presidents. COVID-19 may have originated in some exotic Chinese meat market, but QVID-19 originated in moldy, murky rabbit holes and Q-Anon poop tubes.

“Once the host is infected with QVID, their mind becomes scrambled eggs with ketchup and whipped cream,” continued Dr. Boofus, “and they become allergic to reality. Truth causes pustulating blisters to form on their genitals, which compels them to gorge on ever-loonier conspiracy theories to stop the searing white hot pain.”

“Homosexual pterodactyls and Jewish jellyfish will vomit on the flag, leaving our country a communist wasteland!” howled a QVID sufferer from his chained bed, “but fear not! ‘45’ will return, bare-chested, riding a white tiger, firing blazing cannons from his flared nostrils!”

Jails and psych-wards are rapidly filling up with QVID patients. “We’re nearing capacity with the spiraling increase of positive cases, basket cases, head cases and pillow cases,” said a worried mental health worker. “if we run out of space, we’ll have to leave them in their mothers’ cellars where they will fester in a perpetual feedback loop of dumb.

Sadly, there is only a 5% recovery rate from the ravaging effects of QVID. Those who have survived describe it as the “worst hangover imaginable”, and “like having your brain scooped off the pavement and stuffed back into your skull”.

Is there a vaccine? “Sure, we have enough vaccine to end the QVID pandemic in a week,” said Dr. Boofus, “but anyone infected with QVID refuses to take the vaccine - which is itself one of the symptoms of the disease.”