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ANTI NEWS #35:

UNITED STATES FINALLY SURRENDERS TO ENGLAND

 

 
 


In the long awaited conclusion to the Revolutionary War, the United States has officially changed its mind and decided to surrender to the British Crown. Even though successful military "combat operations" ended 240 years ago, the world's largest superpower is rethinking its "hasty" decision to break away from the Empire. "We didn't know what we were doing", said President Donald Trump. "We need to Make America Great Britain again."

Citing massive debt, a crippled healthcare system, and an overstretched military, the United States has concluded it can no longer run itself. "What were we thinking?" said historian Jacob Langtree. "We had it made (well except for that colonial tax thing)... Powerful navy. A king. All-you-can-drink whiskey and gin. Now we're number one, and we're basically fucked."

Years of casino politics have put America The Beautiful into an economic tailspin, making the whole concept of sovereignty unaffordable. "When the British take us back, our credit slate will be wiped clean. It's a pretty sweet deal" said Constitutional lawyer Gregory Alex. But the prospect of becoming a colony again has drawn an explosion of outrage from across the heartland. "Hell no!" said Cleb Hawkins, a patriot from Gun Barrel City, Texas. "Those lily faced wankers just want to take away the Fourth of July and make us eat blood sausage."

And Braxton McFly of Enid Oklahoma is standing firm. "They'll have to pry my camouflage cowboy hat from my cold dead hands! Before you know it we'll be driving on the wrong side of the road!"

Arrangements are being made to dissolve Congress and raise the Union Jack over the White House. "No worries", said economist Wilfred Higgenbottom. "There'll still be Krispy Kreme and Papa Johns. We'll just be Royal subjects again, that's all."

It seemed like the perfect way to end the whole Rebellion-from-the-Crown thing. Just wave the white flag of surrender, and get free health care and a British passport. Unfortunately, Queen Elizabeth turned down the offer. "We regret that we must decline your offer of capitulation to us. Although the United Kingdom is flattered to have an old colony back, your nation is just a little too fucked up. We've got the Falkland Islands and Gibraltar, so our plate's full. Good luck, and cheerio."

And so, America is looking for an empire to take it in. It posted itself on Craigslist - "For Sale, One Nation, slightly used", but there were no nibbles. China and India refused. North Korea is interested, but is hesitant due to the cost. Uzbekistan is strongly considering making America a colony. Uzbek President Islom Abdug'aniyevich Karimov is very excited. "Sure, it would be a huge investment. But it would be great for Uzbek morale, and we would finally have a coastline!"

Anti News ©2013/2016 Chris Hume


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