Socialism is dead! Americans are dancing in the streets, celebrating the hard-won victory in the name of red-blooded freedom. Last week, Congress voted unanimously to erase every trace of “socialism” from every corner of the country, allowing America to “shake off the chains” of the far left.

“No more freeloading, no more mollycoddling,” boasted Senator Chad Snufflethorpe (R), from his sprawling estate. Two hours later, his house burned to the ground when a climate-induced wildfire reduced his entire town to ashes. The fire department charged him (and every other resident) $30,000 each for “trying to put out the fire”.

“Hey I can afford it,” boasted Sen. Snufflethorpe, “and so should everyone else!”

Citizens will now be required to carry around their own asphalt and own their own steamrollers so they can fix the roads.

Anyone who gets a speeding ticket will now be billed an extra $1200 to pay for the officer’s “work-time” of writing the ticket.

And children will now be allowed to labor in factories from the age of conception, so they can save up “hard-earned cash” to attend school. “Childhood’s for sissies,” explained freedom-lover Todd Thumpchest, “And school lunches will be extra!”

But there is still so much free stuff that shouldn’t be free. And Congress is putting a stop to it all.

“Just because you were born with eyeballs in your head doesn’t mean you get to keep them and use them for free,” said Bull Strongman of the Bootstrap Institute. All humans must now pay a monthly “eyeball usage fee”. Failure to do so will result in your eyeballs being scooped out by a repo-man, and sold to the highest bidder. There will be an added charge for the repo man’s visit.

And these new freedoms don’t just apply to humans. “Trees sit around, mooching off of us for free,” complained Strongman. Any tree that doesn’t “pay up” will be chopped down and used to build orphanages (at the orphans’ expense). “It’s just unfettered, shit-kicking bootstrapping liberty,” Bull explained, “Love it or leave it!”

Ordinary citizen Meg Walters bemoaned the loss of her local public library. "I've been coming here and enjoying it since I was a child," said Meg. "You want a liberry?" shouted hyper patriot Hank Slugman, "then get some books and lumber and build it yourself!"


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