In the long-awaited conclusion to the Revolutionary War, the United States officially surrendered to the British Crown. Even though military "combat operations" ended 236 years ago, the world's largest superpower is rethinking its "hasty" decision to break away from the Empire. "We didn't know what we were doing", said political scientist Calvin Schnarb. "We need to Make America Great Britain again."

Citing lack of leadership, a crippled healthcare system, and an imploding democracy, the United States has concluded it can no longer run itself. "We used to be number one," said historian Jacob Langtree. "Now we're the world's number one hot mess."

Years of casino politics have put America The Beautiful into a poop-stained death-spiral, making the whole concept of sovereignty unsustainable and unaffordable. "When the British take us back, our debt will be wiped clean. It's a pretty sweet deal," said Constitutional lawyer Gregory Alex. But the prospect of becoming a colony again has drawn outrage from across the heartland.

"Over my fly-specked carcass!" said Cleb Gawkins, a patriot from Gun Barrel City, Texas. "Those lily-faced wankers just want to take away the Fourth of July and make us eat blood sausage."

And Braxton McFly of Enid Oklahoma is standing firm. "They'll have to pry my camouflage cowboy hat from my cold dead head! Next week we'll be driving on the wrong side of the road!"

Arrangements are being made to dissolve Congress and raise the Union Jack over the White House. "No worries," said economist Wilfred Higgenbottom. "We'll still be the land of Krispy Kreme, Piggly Wiggly and Nascar. We'll just be royal subjects again, that's all."

It seemed like the perfect way to end the whole responsibility thing. Just wave the white flag of surrender, and get free health care and a British passport. Unfortunately, the Queen declined our offer. "Although the United Kingdom is flattered to have an old colony back, your nation is too much of a dumpster fire. We've got the Falkland Islands and Gibraltar, so we're good. Cheerio."

And so, America is looking for an empire to take it in. It posted itself on Craigslist: "For Sale, One Nation, fixer-upper", but there were few nibbles. China and India refused. Russia took us out for a test drive, ran us into a couple of ditches, then threw us back. America dropped its price, again. Uzbekistan finally made an offer. "Sure, it would be a huge investment," said the president of the obscure landlocked nation, "but it would be great for Uzbek morale, and we would finally have a coastline."

Anti News ©2019 Chris Hume