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ANTI NEWS #36:

GAS PRICES RISING AGAIN
FOR SOME BULLSHIT REASON,
SAYS GOVERNMENT REPORT

 

 
 

Why are gas prices rising again? According to the latest government analysis, the current upward trend in gas prices can be attributed to a fluctuating commodities derivative, as indicated by a sharp decline in carbon futures as a result of the recent surge in the whatever index due to the fallout from last month's hostage crisis at a natural gas plant in Eastern Trashcanistan.

"I know it doesn't make sense", said energy consultant Sly Gabinstroff. "But it all makes perfect sense."

By calculating the inverse algorithm of gallons consumed between Valentine's Day and next Easter, a pattern emerges that clearly shows a diagonal shift of three sevenths of a cent for every family under the age of 40 with one point five kids. In order to offset the parabolic curve of non-demand ratio, the big oil conglomerates have been forced to raise their prices by almost 70 percent over the last week.

"It's all free-market mathematics", explained ChevronTexacoMobil spokesman Roger Toothman. "There is absolutely no connection to this price shift and our CEO's recent purchase of three pink leatherette stealth helicopters with rhino skin seats, marble countertop kitchens, and built in Jacuzzis."

On Friday, gas prices edged up again, shattering all time records in some of America's poorest neighborhoods. Unemployed mother Nancy Johnson is concerned. "It costs more to fill up my car than my car is worth. So I'm selling it as a coffee table. Just crush it into a cube and prop your feet up on it. Any buyers?"

Gas prices ticked up again on Monday, when a worker on his lunch break allegedly dropped a turkey leg onto some delicate machinery at a refinery in Long Beach California. The facility was shut down for six hours to find the lost turkey leg. Subsequently, gas prices surged twenty five cents per gallon nationwide . "No, really", said Shell executive Cranston Baggs. "Our month long executive retreat and underage hooker tour of Bora Bora has nothing to do with it. Those allegations are preposterous!"

And then a carton of yogurt went bad in someone's fridge somewhere in Missouri. And gas prices went up another 80 cents a gallon. Two days later, a boy flushed his dead goldfish down the toilet somewhere in New Jersey. According to government reports, this was sufficient reason to raise gas prices even further, over the $7 per gallon mark.

"We have to take all these factors into account", said Cranston Baggs, while skeet shooting Fabergé eggs at his ranch in Texas. "Something happens, anything happens, and the price goes up. Got a problem with that? Rent a donkey."

And so, millions of Americans are cancelling trips, cutting back on groceries, and selling their blood, to get a gallon of gas.
Then unfortunately, ChevronTexacoMobil CEO Braxton Higgins crashed one of his sapphire studded Lamborghinis through his Van Gogh collection, and into his stable, killing all of his thoroughbred race horses. "Oops", he chortled, wiping some dirt off his Louis XIV vintage bathrobe, "I guess we'll have to jack up gas prices again to pay for this mess."

Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume

 

 

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