Everyone’s doing the Frostbite Challenge! Just go outside in subzero weather, and walk barefoot for 2 miles, wearing nothing but yoga pants and a cell phone. “I can’t feel my feet anymore, and they’re turning black,” exclaimed a shivering Holly Dumble as she completed the TikTok Frostbite Challenge. She now has 25,000 followers and 110,000 likes. And no feet.

The Frostbite Challenge is the latest in a trend of extreme “challenges” where individuals place themselves in grave peril or worse, for a brief taste of fame.

Last week, the “Stare At The Sun Challenge” blinded more than 5 million people. The objective: stare at the sun for as long as you can, then post the video on TikTok. “I stared at the sun for 8 minutes!” boasted a blind Bruce Babcock as he stumbled face first into traffic.

“We’re at a dangerous tipping point,” explained stupidologist Dr. Calvin Whitmore. “Our need for attention is surpassing our need to survive.”

“I’m an online badass,” texted Ted Moffet after losing half of his teeth and a quart of blood in the “Broken Glass Crunch Challenge”.

Deborah Dingle was one of thousands hospitalized in the “Sit on a Cactus Challenge”.

And Howard Bork is on a ventilator after participating in the “Smoke Poison Ivy Challenge”. “Please tell all my fans that I love them,” he wheezed, before expiring.

Is there still a way to save the human race before it challenges itself into extinction? “Yes”, said an optimistic Dr. Whitmore, “As long as we multiply faster than we mutilate ourselves, we can still rule the planet.”

Yesterday the “Speed-Breed Challenge” was announced. “I’ve fertilized a hundred women in fifty days,” bragged Speed-Breed challenger Ted Jizzman. Ted lost all his fingers recently in the “Stick Your Hand In A Blender Challenge”. “I may be fingerless,” he explained, “but my junk’s working overtime.”