Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf. Superstorm Sandy pummeled the Jersey Shore. And Winter Storm Nemo dumped more than three feet of snow on Connecticut. And later this evening, Patch of Drizzle Ted is expected to make landfall near Santa Monica. Citizens are being warned to put on long pants and keep an umbrella handy. Ted is a Category 1 Patch of Drizzle. Although Ted isn't capable of leveling cities or wiping out coastlines, he is very likely to ruin plans to go to the farmer's market or relax at the beach.
The National Meteorological Society has decided to give official names to patches of drizzle because it "keeps the public vigilant, and gives them something to read about on weather.com." Alex, the season's first patch of drizzle, slammed into Ipswich Massachusetts in early March. Fortunately, residents were stocked up on food and gas, and mostly kept dry. In spite of government warnings to 'pretty much do whatever', the community survived Alex's depressing and clammy effects, and miraculously, no one died. But now, Patch Of Drizzle Ted has captured America's attention, sweeping virtually every other headline under the rug. Drizzlocalypse is the new buzzword on everyone's lips now.
"This is utter nonsense!" complained Alice Robinson, a concerned journalist. "The media will do anything to divert the public's attention from real news. What about Syria? What about Afghanistan? What about Mali?"
"What are those, names of storms?" said weather.com junkee Paul Krock.
Most Americans are not taking Ted lightly. "We are bracing for the worst", said family man Bruce McGorkin. Dressed in five layers of protective gear, including a camouflage survival belt, crossbow, bowie knife and an assault rifle, Bruce is fully "Ted-Ready". "My family comes first. If any survivors come knocking at our door, begging for food or medical supplies... make no mistake. I will blow you away."
Meanwhile, Ted-mania is sweeping the nation. Sales of "Ted Sucks!" and "I Survived Ted" T-shirts are flying off shelves. "I'm going to kick Ted's Ass!" is now the most popular tattoo of the week.
Channel 4 WeatherBabe Rhonda Pickering stood on the beach with her camera crew as Ted loomed ominously offshore. As she chose the appropriate shade of lipstick to match her Prada rain slicker, the first droplets began to fall. "We are here on the front lines of nature's wrath!" she shouted, against the roar of one inch waves and no wind at all. "Please stay tuned to the Ted Command Center right here on Santa Monica Beach for second by second tweets."
Ratings and profits have surged as a result of Ted-Mania. But when Drizzlocalypse finally passes, people will need something to do, something to be excited about, something else to officially name. And the National Meteorological Society is wasting no time.
Citizens of Akron, Ohio are preparing for Area Of Haze Bill. And early next week, Uneventful Sunny Day Susan is predicted to strike with full fury somewhere in Delaware. "I'm buying a month's supply of sweet tea", said frightened citizen Janice Watkins. And residents of Warwick Rhode Island are buying new tires, in preparation for the arrival of Pothole Steve.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume