Rapture! After thousands of years, the Holy Day arrived on schedule. In the blink of an eye, hundreds of millions of true believers got their free ticket to Heaven, leaving in their wake a scorched, ruined, decimated pigsty.

Fortunately, a skeleton crew of non-believers stayed behind to try and clean up the godforsaken planetary mess.

“The pious may be in Paradise, but their trash is still here, “ said godless garbage man Joe Perkins, “now I’ve got to scoop it all up before it stinks to high heaven. Who’s going to pray for me?”

“It’s a burning nightmare,” said faithless firefighter Steve Johnson. “Rapture left millions of unmanned speeding vehicles on our highways. The countless head-on collisions left our cities in flames. Thanks, God.”

 “The faithful hordes got spirited away,” said a frustrated atheist air-traffic controller. “Now who’s going to land all the planes?” Indeed, thousands of aircraft suddenly became pilotless in mid-flight. One by one they ran out of fuel, creating a man-made meteor storm as they slammed into buildings, forests, mountainsides, rivers, schoolyards and churches.

Control rooms at the world's nuclear power plants were suddenly deserted, causing hundreds of meltdowns, filling the sky with radiation.

And on the high seas, massive supertankers and cargo ships had nobody at the helm. The vessels plowed ashore, dumping tons of oil and Chinese teddy bears into the polluted water.

The skeleton crew worked triple overtime without pay. Meanwhile, the baptized and blessed lounged around God's Kingdom in white robes and bunny slippers, sipping iced caramel raspberry frappuccinos and getting massages with happy endings.

"I confessed all my sins only five minutes before Rapture," said child molester and serial killer Bud Shrader. "Talk about good timing. Thank God!"