In a bold and dastardly move, New Jersey annexed Russia in the middle of the night while no one was looking.

The enormous Russian landmass, which is rich in minerals, timber and humans, was absorbed into New Jersey after a quick flash-vote, in which 99.99% of Russians chose to become part of New Jersey.

“This is complete and utter sham”, complained the former Russian leadership. “New Jersey is acting like schoolyard bully, annexing Mother Russia in overnight phony election!”

But New Jersey asserted that its annexation of Russia was fair and square. “Look. We invited 1000 Russians into an Atlantic City ballroom, gave them free pizza, a bunch of poker chips and Bruce Springsteen front row concert tickets. And 999 of them voted to become New Jersey. Who could blame them? (The single dissenting Russian was never heard from again).

The small boring East coast state suddenly became the largest country on the planet, jumping from a pathetic 8000 square miles to a ball-busting 7 million square miles. New Jersey now boasts port cities on the Baltic Sea and Pacific Ocean, a forest you could put 600 original New Jerseys into, piles of gold, trillions of gallons of natural gas and a sweet nuclear arsenal.

“Russia’s our bitch,” threatened a bellicose New Jersey. “Mess with Russia, and you mess with New Jersey!” Somewhere in Moscow, a Russian janitor made an off-color remark about New Jersey. The janitor, his home and his neighborhood were flattened in an air strike and turned into 3 dozen Jersey Mike’s sandwich outlets.

The United Nations declared the annexation illegal. New Jersey cupped its ear mockingly. “Did I hear something? A feeble girlish little whine?” The next day, New Jersey annexed the United Nations. Then it annexed Europe, China and The United States.

“Jersey’s your Daddy now!” bloviated the globe-spanning superpower. And then last night, when no one was looking, the tiny African nation of Togo annexed New Jersey.

  Anti News ©2022 Chris Hume