(A Million Miles, From the Farm to Your Face)





Get ready for the Million Mile Meal.

As you prepare for your sumptuous exotic multi-course feast, be sure to appreciate the vast distances each succulent morsel traveled in order to get from the farm to your face, from the orchard to your orifice, from the sea to your sphincter.

And now, today’s menu:

For starters, we offer a mouthwatering appetizer of warm Scottish salmon in a nest of poached New Guinea ostrich eggs, (flown in yesterday). It’s topped off with a sprig of Icelandic parsley, harvested this morning from the slopes of Grímsvötn volcano.

Wash it down with a glass of chilled New Zealand Pinot Noir and a moist cube of Mongolian yak cheese drizzled in Sicilian truffle oil.

The foreplay course will delight the senses: Medallions of Argentine rib eye steak and Japanese Kobe beef in a Hawaiian pineapple marinade, sprinkled with Uzbek peppercorns, all flown in last night by private jet.

The feast will climax with blackened Rhino sausage from Zambia, enrobed with Afghan condor filet, under a cloud of Iranian caviar and Norwegian reindeer nuggets. The sides will include Portuguese heirloom turnips in a Newfoundland seal sauce, Tasmanian wombat cheese and Amazon River kelp.

The afterglow course is equally divine: wasabi-slathered Indian tiger sliders with deep-fried Ethiopian elephant poppers. Dip them in a Sardinian tangerine garlic vinaigrette for that extra exotic zing.

And dessert will be to die for. Pamper your taste buds with Bulgarian blueberry compote drizzled with Tahitian coconut flakes and Patagonian raspberries, framed with whole Madagascar vanilla beans and a scoop of Chilean Sea Bass ice cream. All flown in ten minutes ago by jumbo cargo aircraft.

Follow it up with a snifter of Belgian cognac, chilled with virginal Antarctic glacier ice.

And remember to top it off with a demitasse of Bolivian coffee, sprinkled with Vietnamese cinnamon, a dollop of Siberian whipped cream, a twist of Moroccan lemon rind and a dead goldfish.

Your meal collectively traveled over a million miles, via aircraft, sea-vessel, rail and truck, requiring over 23.75 million gallons of fuel. Over 18,000 farmers, hunters, yak-milkers and ice climbers labored to please your palette this evening.

And don’t forget your after-dinner mint.

(How far does food actually travel to get to your plate?)

  Anti News ©2022 Chris Hume