After nearly six thousand years of ruling all creation, the Lord God Almighty is stepping down at the end of the month. "I'm tired", said God. "Being the master of all the cosmos, all dimensions, past, present and future is really an exhausting job. And I've always wanted to kick back and open a snorkel shop on the big island. So I'm stepping down next week."
God's unprecedented announcement has sent shockwaves through Church Hierarchy. There is no structure in place to choose a successor. Unofficially, the chain of command falls to the Pope. "I've prayed to Him. I've mentioned Him in my weekly sermons", said the recently installed Pope Francis. "But honestly, and this is off the record... I have never seen him, I have no idea where he lives, and there is no contact info on how to reach him, let alone instructions on how to run his sprawling empire."
God made his announcement through an anonymous Youtube video. "It's been a great six thousand years. Good times. My favorite part was putting fake dinosaur fossils into the ground to test everyone's faith in me." God paused for a sip of sweet tea. "But honestly, the last bit has gotten a little out of hand. My latest toys, the upright ones with big funny heads... they are fucking everything up. I lost the instruction manual to my universe, now these 'humans' are pretty much running the show. I wish I could find the 'off' switch."
God thinks he left the instruction manual for All Of Creation under the couch, and his Chihuahua, Crackers, might have urinated on it and buried it. "There's got to be a way to reboot the whole universe, erase everything." He called customer service and punched in "3" for technical support, but after forty minutes of Kenny G, He threw the phone across the room and took His own name in vain.
In spite of His claim that He's exhausted and just plain burned out, rumors about God's resignation are already swirling around the blogosphere. "God hasn't paid taxes in more than 400 years", claimed Paul Jacobs, theological researcher. Others believe God is resigning to avoid the pedophilia scandal surrounding the Vatican. "This mess goes all the way to the top", said activist Raul McIntyre. "God's just passing the buck." Others believe that God has thousands of dollars in unpaid parking tickets. And then there's the allegation that he ran a money laundering operation for the Ukrainian Mob.
"Why would I do these things? I'm God, for Christ's sake!" God tweeted these accusations as 'slanderous libel' and 'preposterous hogwash'.
And so the Almighty Lord and Creator of Everything will be renting out snorkel gear from a small thatched hut in Hawaii. "Sure beats carrying the Goddamned world around on your shoulders all the time!" And who will be God's successor? On Tuesday, God stunned the world when He personally handpicked little 7 year old Tabitha Sweeney from Glendale CA.
A second grader is now Lord and Master of All Creation? This is an outrage!" exclaimed Cardinal Antonio Baldini. "But I guess it's God's will."
Tabitha, who likes strawberry ice cream, video games and Disneyland, says she's really excited about her new job. "It'll be awesome. I have the perfect tiara and fairy wand." Tabitha's first action as The Almighty will be to smite down all humanity with her sparkly wand of judgment, and wipe the earth clean with a global tsunami. As soon as she puts on her awesome purple princess gown.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume