The president’s approval rating skyrocketed past 100% during his second term. Americans are grateful for his protective and strong leadership, which brought inflation to a standstill (according to a White House report).

“My 8 year-old just had twins, which makes me a father and a grandfather,” said Zeke Hogsnout of Lockjaw, Iowa, “but at least hamburger meat’s cheaper."

“My house burned to the ground in a mid-winter firestorm,” said Britny Lipflap of Deadflower, Wisconsin, “but hey, gas costs ten cents a gallon less.”

“I’m in prison for being trans and black,” said Eric Lovejoy of Ribeye, Pennsylvania, “but at least that Marxist idiot wasn’t elected.”

“I died from a miscarriage,” said dead wife Joyce Gobson of Gonzo, Texas, “but at least I didn’t cross any state lines to murder my dead baby.”

“I got shot in the knees and the face by some open-carry patriots,” said Hank Ballsac of Trucknut, Michigan, “but at least eggs are cheaper.”

“I voted for him even though I don’t like him,” said bankrupt cancer patient Joe-Bub Fink of Snotgoblin, Nevada, “but dying slowly and alone under a bridge is worth it!”