After 4.5 billion years, Earth will officially be renamed “America”.

“God Bless Planet America,” said Jeebus Flagfoot, Secretery of American Pride.
“All those other little countries like Canada and China and whatever - they’re just freeloaders hitching a ride on the greatest planet of all time: AMERICA!"

Google Earth immediately changed its name to Google America. Earthlings will now be known as Americalings.  And Florida will be the new capital of Planet America.

All atlases, globes, textbooks and maps bearing the planet’s former name will be burned, and the ashes will be ceremoniously dumped into the American Ocean (formerly known as the Pacific, Atlantic and Indian Oceans).

All months of the year will now be named “America". All twelve of them. On the fifth day of America, a special decree will change all days of the week and all hours of the day to “America”. When a reporter asked if this might get a little confusing, she was promptly arrested and escorted out of the White House in chains.

An executive order mandates that all countries will be required to change their names to “America”. Next week, all baby names will be “America”, whether it’s a boy or girl. All children and adults will now address each other as "America".

All food and drink will hereby be referred to as America. All items of clothing will be called America.

Next Americaday (formerly Wednesday), anyone calling Planet America by its former name will be immediately deported – into space.

“Hey America, why don’t we get together with America and her three kids America, America and America, and head out to America’s for some American food. I hear they have really good deep-fried America wings with American sauce on top. I’m free on the tenth of America at America o’clock. I’ll be there, wearing my little skin-tight zip-up America.”

America. Love it or leave it.