It is a landmark decision that could very well change the way we drink coffee. This week, the FDA has approved the Starbucks direct coffee-catheter. Starbucks spokesman Stew Vapworth couldn't contain his excitement: "When you've got no time for a cup or a straw? Just insert the catheter into your forearm (or any other) vein, and enjoy your favorite beverage product throughout the day."
The flexible tube sources from a one gallon rubber "JavaBladder" stored in a backpack. Anything from hot or iced coffee, latte, mocha, or even a green tea or butterscotch frappuccino can be intravenously enjoyed for hours a time. Feeling a bit wired? Just crank the tube shut with the twist of the valve. And for the Starbucks-loving couple on the move? The JavaBladder ® comes with a Y-splitter so hubby and wifey can mutually mainline their coffee product.
"I'm stoked!" exclaimed Starbucks user Jessica Spreggs. "My forearms are getting a bit scarred up though, so I'm jacking in through my fermoral artery in my upper right thigh." Jessica says she likes an extra triple espresso shot with her caramel double macchiato.
Customers are required to sign a waiver before using the new Java Bladder ®. They are advised on the potential for seizures, blindness, heart attack, explosive diarrhea, impotence and possible death. "But I can drive for three days straight", said user Eric Windansky.
Starbucks is so cocksure of their new product, they are now marketing anything in a cup as "Old School Coffee-Classic". They predict java-bladder® will revolutionize the whole coffee ingestion process. "It's eco friendly," explains Stew Vapworth, "since we will be using far fewer cups. But 'mouth drinkers' will still be a large demographic for the time being."
Users are lining up to be the first to try JavaBladder ®. But what's next? Still pending FDA approval is the "Extreme coffee-cranial-shunt". Java lovers simply get the back of their skulls drilled, and have a USB port installed, where they can upload up their favorite coffee experience directly into their sensory cortex from their I-phone. The new app will come in 20 flavors and last up to six weeks. "I can't wait", exclaims extreme Bladder fan Winston Pippit, "You can just replace your thoughts with coffee!"