Ha Kyu Moon, North Korea's Minister of Propaganda, defected to the United States last week, becoming a citizen of the country he once hoped to "incinerate in a firestorm of mushroom clouds from coast to coast".
The gifted copywriter, known for his flowery and bellicose threats against the "Evil Imperialist Stooges", settled into the cozy suburb of Cleveland Heights, Ohio with his wife and two sons, Hit Yu Face, and Bang Yu Mom.
The fiery hater of all things American immediately purchased a Cadillac Escalade, joined the country club, and enrolled his boys in the local little league team - where he immediately found himself 'quite at home' again.
When his son struck out in the fifth inning, a miffed Ha Kyu Moon declared to the umpire "Change your call, you puppet stooge, or I will roast your still beating heart in an ocean of fire!"
Then a boy on the other team caught a fly ball, and won the game. Ha Kyu Moon stormed up to the boy's cheerful dad and threatened to "cut out his windpipe, and throw his arrogant corpse into a hornet's nest of nightmares."
"This guy has some serious anger issues", said neighbor Ryan Jackson. "How dare you!" exclaimed the offended North Korean. "If I were truly angry, I would unleash a blizzard of bullets upon your cowardly head, and plant the flag of victory into your spleen!"
Ha Kyu, who enjoys a good cup of coffee, got into a confrontation at Starbucks when he didn't get an extra shot of espresso with his iced double tall mocha. "Forgetting my shot of espresso is a dastardly act perpetrated by a feeble minded capitalist thug such as yourself. I will quarter you and feed you to a herd of wild pigs as I bellow chants of triumph!"
"Take a chill pill dude!" said Lon, the 17 year old barista. Ha Kyu was escorted out by police, flailing and issuing ever more sinister threats as the crowd looked on in bewilderment. The disgraced North Korean called Pyongyang from jail. He pleaded with leader Kim Jong Un to rain down missiles, bombs and tanks on the enemy, and to have his old job back.
"Sorry comrade", said the North Korean leader. "We already have a new propaganda minister. His bellicose threats are even cooler and scarier than yours. Give my best to the Cleveland Indians. I'm a big fan."
Ha Kyu has been sentenced to six months of anger management classes and eight months of picking up trash at the beach. Less than three days before his 'anger graduation', an 80 year old lady pulled into Ha Kyu's desired parking space at Costco. "You have dared to tread upon my sovereignty, foolish American. Prepare to scream for mercy as you drown in a river of your own blood!" The old lady politely got out of her car, and gave the North Korean a most righteous bitchslap.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume