It's the hottest new item that will maximize profits by squeezing more out of the workforce. From tiny office cubicles to crowded sweatshops to bustling factories, the bottom line is king. And by keeping bottoms in chairs longer, the big bucks will only get bigger.
DiaperWorks International announces its latest product: OfficeDiaper®. This groundbreaking new tool for the workplace is designed to keep workers in their place... for as long as possible. "Just think of it", said DiaperWorks CEO Clarence Higgenbottom, "If you can eliminate the bathroom break, that's like six minutes more per workday times the amount of workers in your company. You'll beat the pants off the competition!"
Office Diaper® is elegantly simple. It's a disposable adult diaper, complete with colorful elastic bands around the waist and leg areas. If properly worn, Office Diaper can allow a worker to sit in his cubicle more than thirty hours straight through, with no leaking at all!
Workers Rights activists are up in arms. "Thirty hours? That's inhumane and barbaric!" said ACLU lawyer Jan Ericson. "Every worker deserves dignity and respect. They're people, not machines."
"Look. If we want a strong economy, we've got to keep the wheels of commerce well greased", said Sen. Clyde Hazenberry (R) AR. "If you've got a problem with diapering up your workforce, move to China!"
"DiaperWorks does have ethical guidelines", said spokesman Jed Slocum. "Although 30 hours is our product's maximum limit, we recommend OfficeDiaper® for no more than 20 hours a day. However, we are working on a new 60 hour diaper - set for release next year."
Indeed, the competition for corporate efficiency is getting fierce. A whole range of "employee streamlining" products is now available. The NeverSleep® shock collar is generating huge profits. Workers receive a small electrical 'jolt' if they start to doze off at their desks. Bosses can adjust the intensity and length of the shock with a small remote. Then there is the QuickLunch® FoodNet. Workers are hooked up to a communal 'vat' of nutrient rich paste, which is then pumped into their stomachs via a web of plastic tubes hung from the ceiling. And DeskShower® is the latest in office hygiene. One keystroke delivers a blast of high frequency sound waves to the dirty worker, and presto - you're as clean as the day you were born! No more naps, baths, or snacks for today's worker!
"I love my OfficeDiaper®", said Wanda, a cheerful call center employee. "This one comes in floral print, but my husband wears one with little footballs all over it. And it comes with an iPhone cozy!"
And news is looking up on the economic front. An uptick in Gross Domestic Product has happy bosses toasting champagne and high fiving across the land. "A leaner economy is a greener economy", said Senator Hank Bosworth. "With OfficeDiaper® America is number one. Without it, we're number two."
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume