After barreling through the Caribbean, and leaving a swath of destruction across the South, an unseasonably large Cone of Stupidity is gathering strength as it moves up the Eastern Seaboard. "Citizens are advised to board up their windows, buy extra water, and get ready for several days of extreme idiocy", said climatologist Jed Horowitz.
The outer bands of Dumb began lashing the Washington D.C. area around morning rush hour. There was no mistake: the Cone of Stupidity had arrived. Clarence Broham sat for a full minute at a green light, staring at his iPhone, a string of drool hanging from his mouth. Professor Andrew Hobbs locked himself in his car. And several miles away, Wilma Hodgkins drove away from the gas pump without removing the hose from her tank. Gas sprayed everywhere and the station exploded, while dozens of people just sat by and watched, stupidly.
"This could be one for the record books" said moronic weather expert Milton Jackson. "A large Dome of Apathy is stalled over the Atlantic, while a fast moving and powerful Swath of Ignorance is plunging down from Canada. These three systems will collide in the next day, creating a massive cyclone of Extreme Dumbass. Millions of people are at risk."
As the Cone intensifies, its stupid influence could be felt as far north as Long Island. Jeremy Bruce microwaved his laundry while putting his frozen meat lover's pizza in the washing machine. He choked to death on a burned sock.
Jessica Higgins tattooed the name of her business on her lower back: PAW'S AND CLAW'S - WE KLIP AND WASH YOUR PET'S FOR AWSOME $$'S. "I also inked a picture of my abusive alcoholic boyfriend's face on my breasts."
The Cone of Stupidity is now over 500 miles wide and growing. The slow witted system is now a Category 3, but is predicted to reach Category 4 or even a catastrophically stupid Category 5 before it makes landfall. Meatyorologist Sam Keswick explains:
"A Category 1 is minor. People forget where their keys are, misplace their cell phone chargers. A Category 2 is worse, but manageable. People pay their bills late, wear mismatched socks, forget to floss before bedtime. A Category 3 is stupider still: increased watching of "Real Housewives of Orange County", shopping at the Apple Store for ridiculously overpriced crap, using apostrophes when spelling any plural noun. A Category 4 can be devastatingly dumb: surfing porn while driving, shampooing with Liquid Plumber, getting one's arm (or genitals) stuck in the fridge door. But a Category 5 is unthinkably idiotic: doing rectal Jell-o shots, forgetting to breathe or blink, driving a maxed out Hummer with a Rick Santorum bumper sticker."
The population in the Cone's path has been ordered to evacuate, but many people are now too dumb to understand words more than two letters long. What will be the long term effects? "More guns, bigger burgers, and "Real Housewives" winning an Oscar", said MIT Professor Andrew Hobbs, still locked in his car... "Now can somebody let me out?"
This is not a fluke, but a pattern. There hasn't been a Cloud of Thought on the horizon for years now. And conditions are only expected to worsen, if drastic action is not taken. Next week, a Cone of Fear is expected to merge with a Dome of Gluttony somewhere over Nebraska.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume