Jeremy Denklehorn, suicide bomber, blew himself up today. This was his third try. Upon successfully blowing himself to smithereens, he arrived in Paradise, as guaranteed in the Jihadist Handbook. But he never got to attend even one orgy, nor eat the Jumbo Deep Fried Ice Cream Sundae he was promised. Ten minutes after he got off the bus, Jeremy got mugged, and had his wallet stolen by a bunch of thugs. He was left for dead in a dark alley in a lousy section of Paradise.

"This is an outrage!" exclaimed Jeremy. "I martyred myself back on Earth for an eternity of pleasure, and now all I've got is a black eye and no ID!" With no ID card, Jeremy can't prove he is a certified suicide bomber and thus can't get into any clubs, sleep with any virgins, or enjoy the all-you-can-eat Extreme Barbecue Buffet.

"We've always maintained the highest of standards", said Jihad Paradise Resorts CEO Kevin Bork. "Our clients expect the best: on demand Swedish massage, bottomless sushi troughs, and HBO. We even had Ted Nugent perform here last year, to a crowd of twelve thousand terrorists."

But the latest mugging is part of a disturbing new trend in this pristine afterlife vacation club. In the past month alone, there has been a rash of burglaries and assaults. A former 9/11 suicide pilot was beaten with his own golf club during a religious argument on the ninth hole at the luxury golf course.

Stacy Griswald, a virgin who has worked at Jihad Paradise Resort for eleven years, isn't surprised. "This place caters to sociopaths, nutbags and crazies. It was only a matter of time before they brought their wacko-baggage up here."

Last week, a Muslim extremist and a Christian fanatic got into a bare knuckled brawl at the sports bar, over prayer space and the pulled pork sliders being served at happy hour. Steve, the owner of Paradise Bar and Grille, threw the men out, telling them to "Leave your extremist shit back on Earth!"

"Paradise used to be a happy, safe place", said CEO Kevin Bork. "Murderers, martyrs, lunatics and zealots all lived here in peace and harmony. They played shuffleboard, received pleasure from underage girls, and golfed with no bickering or fighting. But now, everything has gotten completely out of hand. It's ruining our reputation."

Several days ago, Paradise was rocked by its first ever suicide bombing. Apparently, some new guy wasn't satisfied with the virgins, and he thought the food was shitty. So he blew himself up, killing at least 12 other former suicide bombers. CEO Kevin Bork was unfazed. "If you blow yourself apart in Paradise, where do you go from there? Oh well. Not my problem. You can't please everyone".

Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume