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America's jails are full. In fact, most prisons are now past capacity, with 6 inmates sharing a cell originally designed for 2. Conditions are inhumane, with one toilet for twenty men, and many inmates sleeping on top of each other, like flapjacks. However, a successful new program could greatly reduce the overpopulated prison system:

"We're providing a much needed service by placing convicts in homes throughout America", said Adopt-a-Con founder Blanche Porkley. "Older 'empty nest' couples can fill that vacuum, left by their grown son or daughter, with a hardened dangerous criminal."

The Adopt-a-Con process is remarkably simple. Simply log onto your account at, pick a prison, and scroll through the gallery of inmates. Select your criminal of choice (rapist, drug lord, murderer, terrorist) and click your mouse. Within 24 hours, an armored truck will deliver your very own prisoner to your doorstep.

"Adopt-A-Con is a terrific way for us to clean house", said Texas State Warden Cleb McHogg. "We're offloading busloads of inventory, while giving Mr. and Mrs. Main Street a sense of duty and responsibility."

Mildred Watkins of Bakersfield CA is very excited about her newly adopted jailbird. "I couldn't be happier. He's polite, housebroken, and very good with a knife." Her convict, Ernest Slokum, is a five time convicted arsonist. His rap sheet also includes grand theft auto, felony mayhem and battery with serious injury. "He's an absolute angel", declared Mildred. "He irons the sheets, mops the floor, and gives a mean foot massage. Except for that incident where he torched my kitchen, I love my Adopt-A-Con!"

However, The Bureau of Rehabilitation hasn't worked out all the bugs yet. There's still no way to track and monitor the convicts once they've been adopted. Sen. Charles Buttermouth (R) TX, isn't worried. "We can't have big government acting as nanny all the time. Families should be able to handle their convicts on their own. We recommend keeping a loaded firearm under the bed, and maybe a sword and flamethrower around the house for security."

Over twenty thousand deranged sociopaths have been adopted over the past year. "My convict would have been put to sleep", said Agnes Layton, of the triple murderer now residing in her guest bedroom. "Now he's mowing the lawn, and painting my house, instead of frying in the electric chair."

Adopt-a-Con has been so successful, that an even more ambitious program is underway. "In Washington D.C., we have a facility that is filled to capacity with thugs, maniacs and assholes", said Adopt-a-Con founder Blanche Porkley. "We need to put them somewhere. But 'Adopt-A-Congressman' is going to be a much harder sell..."

Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume






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