Braxton Cocksmith, the hyper-rich slumlord, racist, misogynist, toxic waste polluter and all round douchebag, recently bribed the World Astronomical Society to have a whole galaxy cluster named after him.
"It's like the greatest honor I could ever bestow upon myself", said the time share mogul, hedge fund manager, and accused date rapist. "And - it's a tax write off!"
Braxton, 27, has already had his name emblazoned onto a supertanker, chiseled onto a mountainside, and exploded across the sky in a fireworks display during Super Bowl Half Time.
"What's left to put my name on?", said the cocksure race car driver, kick box champion and male model. "Sure, Reagan has a freeway and an aircraft carrier named after him, and Bush has an airport named after him, but that's amateur time. I want extreme immortality."
And so, for an undisclosed fee, Braxton Cocksmith's name will be affixed to the largest known entity in the universe: a galaxy cluster. The "Braxton Cluster", situated about 312 million light years from earth, in the constellation Braxton, comprises over 4,000 galaxies. Put into perspective, an average galaxy like our Milky Way, contains about one hundred billion stars, and is one hundred thousand light years across.
"That cluster's my bitch!" exclaimed a jubilant Braxton, while doing squat thrusts in his pure oxygen gymnasium aboard his yacht, the Braxton.
"What about the starving children? What about the rainforests?", said concerned citizen Jenna Schmidt. "He probably spent a fortune on that stupid galaxy cluster. Can't you just get a star named after yourself for like forty five bucks?"
"Stars are for losers!" laughed Braxton. He purchased his galaxy cluster by shutting down twelve of his companies and laying off all the workers (a tax write off). He then diverted a slew of toxic mortgage funds towards the payment as well. Subsequently, the World Astronomical Society will go bankrupt as soon as it cashes the check. "But don't tell anyone!" chuckled a hand-wringing Braxton.
And how will he manage his newly acquired galaxy cluster?
"I plan to run it like a business", said a cocky Braxton. "All those planets are full of resources, ripe for extraction. And all those alien civilizations? They will make me their king. And they will worship Braxton!"
"More like a galaxy cluster fuck!", said Astronomer Bill Higgins. "It would take 312 million years for this douche bag to just get to his galaxy cluster at the speed of light."
"Maybe a little longer", chortled Braxton. My Lamborghini can only do 230. He laughed off all the bad press. "Sure I've got a lot of haters here on Earth. But in the Braxton Cluster, I'm God."
Congress already has approved funds to carve Braxton's head onto Mt. Rushmore, and to change the names of the months of April, June and October all to "Braxton".
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume