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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 48:

FETUS PREGNANT!

 

 
 


Beth Stolwoller, teenage mother of seven, was ecstatic at the news: one of her unborn twins is pregnant! Doctors delivered the miraculous news to her upon examining an ultrasound of her fetuses. They enhanced the image, finding a small spot in one of her unborn persons' abdominal regions. When magnified tenfold, they saw a tiny little fetus growing within the fetus!

Beth has a brand new condition known as "nesting doll" syndrome. Massive doses of fertility drugs and hormones, a big trend now among parents who want huge families, have resulted in the first ever - pregnant fetus.

Pastor Glenwwod Shelby of The Personhood Institute was thrilled. "This could make up for the tragic drop in teen birth rates." Throngs of jubilant Believers have set up a vigil in front of Beth's house in suburban Hawgsville. "It's not just chemicals and hormones, like all those fancy people say, it's a miracle from our Lord", exclaimed an excited young person in the crowd.

Beth's unborn twins, Kevin and Mary, are each about the size of a grain of rice. But they're taking backstage to the microscopic miracle granddaughter, Gloria, gestating within little Mary. Teensy weensy Gloria has already received thousands of dollars in disposable diapers, baby toys, and even a Dodge Durango - as tribute gifts from her countless fans.

"Our baby's baby deserves only the best", said Beth. We are carving a crib out of the last remaining redwood tree in California, and upholstering the pillows with whale skin. Beth's husband Todd has already registered little Gloria in the NRA. "I don't even know if they make assault rifles that small", he chuckled. "But our precious miracle has God-given rights, and she will stand her ground!"

Beth will deliver her children and grandchild, all at once. And the world will be watching. The new reality show, "Fetal Moms", is expected to be a monster hit, and is sure to encourage millions of new babies to be born pregnant. "Why wait a whole generation to be a grandmother?" is the reality show's slogan, accompanied with hip garage band music.

Some physicians are concerned about the use of increasingly aggressive fertility drugs. Powerful new hormones are allowing puberty to start earlier and earlier in our children. In fact, new evidence shows little twin brother Kevin may have knocked up little Mary only hours after their own conception. And tiny Gloria is their love child.

But soon-to-be grandmother Beth is unfazed. "It's God's will. They'll just have to get married, and raise the child themselves."

Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume

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