At last, the final word in luxury, for poultry. Twilight Ranch is a top of the line resort where chickens, turkeys, and other edible fowl will literally be pampered to death. Located on a lavish Malibu estate, the five star facility offers creature comforts that would make a celebrity drool.
"Here at Twilight Ranch, we provide a healing and nurturing environment to all of our clients before they are killed", said Slokum Hogwell, president of Twilight Meats Inc. "Every unit of poultry has its own ocean view suite, complete with spa and entertainment center. For the more spiritual chicken, we offer yoga classes on the beach. And for the turkey on the move, there's ballroom dancing lessons as well as a hi-tech gymnasium, to tone up those drumsticks!"
Research has shown that happier livestock equals a tastier meal. "I only buy Twilight Ranch Chicken for my kids!" said Tracy Larkins, health conscious mom. "Sure it costs a lot more, but every chicken has its own life coach, to offer guidance and perspective before it gets its head chopped off. And every chicken gets spritzed with hundred dollar champagne before it gets dropped into the shredder. You can literally taste the bliss!"
"Life is good here at Twilight Ranch", said George, a resident chicken who communicates by B.O.K., or beak-operated-keyboard. "Human servants hand feed us grapes. We get daily massages, free manicures, and the all-you-can-eat buffet is to die for! Being a Twilight chicken means my future is secure. Once they wring my neck, pluck my feathers, and gut me, I know I'm headed for Whole Foods, or some fancy restaurant in Beverly Hills."
Indeed, Twilight Ranch is proud of its brand. "Other companies stamp 'free range', or 'cage free' on their products", said a confident Slokum Hogwell. "But only we provide aromatherapy mud baths and wine tasting. And on 'last-day', each chicken gets to para-glide over the spectacular California coast before it gets slaughtered."
Look for the "Twilight Ranch" seal of approval on every shrink wrapped poultry product. It is a guarantee of happiness, and a pledge that each chicken listened to Mozart or Vivaldi every day of its life before being quartered, de-boned, flash frozen, and pulverized into a ten pack of nuggets.
"If I were a chicken, I'd be a Twilight Ranch chicken!", said avid foodie Jeremy Kipdale. "Balloon rides, barbecues and showgirls... Those birds have got it better than us humans! I hear they even have an on site tarot card reader. The cards always come up the same for everyone. Oh well, we've all got to get butchered some time."
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume