The announcement has shocked and saddened children of teething age across the globe. Earlier today, the Tooth Fairy was apprehended by authorities after a dangerous high speed chase through the San Fernando Valley that lasted nearly an hour and spanned several freeways.
After being cuffed and taken into custody, the mysterious and evasive fairy-like man was charged with breaking and entering, fraud and embezzlement. "Of course I break and enter. I'm a fairy. That's what I do!", shouted an angry Tooth Fairy from the back of a squad car. "I bring money to little children. You got a problem with that?" Now, the erstwhile make-believe character is not so make-believe anymore, with his greasy mug shot making headlines around the world.
It all began in Tarzana, California, when little 7 year old Billy Jenkins found twelve cents under his pillow in exchange for his baby eye teeth, his mother's jewelry, his dad's laptop, and eighteen hundred in cash from a cookie jar in the pantry. "I heard a suspicious noise in the hallway", said Bruce Jenkins, little Billy's dad. "So I grabbed my AR-15 and squeezed off a few rounds, just as the little bastard sped off in my hotwired BMW."
The high profile bust is only the tip of the iceberg. "This guy has been cleaning out households for decades", said police sergeant Clarence Malloy. "For every nickel or quarter he leaves under a pillow, he makes off with a fortune, along with lots of tiny teeth." A search of Tooth Fairy's lair turned up several hundred million dollars in rare art, precious gems, truckloads of computer equipment, several endangered pythons and a live Siberian tiger.
"How am I supposed to believe in anything anymore?", said 9 year old Hazel Wheeler of Portland Oregon. Last Spring, children were stunned when the Easter Bunny crashed his Ferrari into a swimming pool, with a hooker in the front seat. The water was stained purple from hundreds of dyed eggs.
In fact it has been a tough year overall for make-believe characters. Besides Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny, there has been a string of embarrassing scandals. Santa was caught with a sled full of smuggled grenade launchers, intended as stocking stuffers for the Taliban. Wonder Woman was caught shoplifting a crate of Kombucha, and Superman was outed at a drag club on Halloween.
Meanwhile, violence flared as the Alliance of Make-Believe and Imaginary Characters (AMBICH) gathered to protest at the Tarzana police station, where Tooth Fairy is allegedly being detained. "Free the Fairy!" screamed thousands of 6 to 10 year old children, along with Spider Man, Kermit the Frog and God. Reporters swarmed God upon his controversial and unexpected appearance. "Oh come on!", said the Creator. "I'm here to support my buddy Tooth Fairy. Don't give me any crap about being real or I'll send your ass to Hell in an Easter Basket!"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume