Last week, the state of Florida passed a controversial new measure making it legal to shoot anything that moves. "This allows for much more freedom in discharging your firearm", said Florida State Senator Chambliss Hogg. "Why should Americans be restricted to shooting only certain things that move?"
With great fanfare, the bill was signed into law by Florida Governor Cletus Cleghorn. "Let Florida set an example for the rest of America. Shoot first. A moving object is always a potential death threat."
Last month 25 year old loner Clyde Hawkins opened fire onto a busy rush hour highway from a treetop in his mother's yard. He was acquitted on all 20 charges of murder - even though the voices in his head ordered him to kill - because under the new 'shoot anything that moves' law, Mr. Clyde Hawkins had full justification for defending himself. Clyde was awarded 35 million in damages. He now owns a firing range, and teaches young children how to shoot things that move.
The law basically allows a healthy white gun owner to unload his weapon at will, if there is even the slightest possibility of motion. When grouchy husband Thomas Beech shot his sleeping wife, he was acquitted under 'shoot anything that moves', because he claimed, "well, she was breathing."
"Here in Florida, everybody is a cop", said gun lover Buford Ellwell.
"I have personally taken down sixty or seventy targets. Or maybe eighty. I don't know." The state has decided to disband its police force, as they have been effectively rendered obsolete. "We hereby deputize every healthy white citizen of this great state, authorizing them to use deadly force whenever they feel like it, or if they get emotional", said a cocksure Governor Cleghorn. He then shot several youths from his Hummer, on his way to the yacht club.
The new law is drastically reducing Florida's population, as everyone is always shooting each other. Bodies are piling up in the streets. Clean up crews can't can't clear away the corpses, because they're being shot as well. "This is 'Stand Your Ground' on steroids!" said gun control advocate Janice Erickson. "There won't be anybody left, unless everybody stops breathing, stands still, and stays white."
As a law, "Shoot Anything That Moves" doesn't protect individuals on the other side of the gun. Last Thursday, Ted Milton, a black man from Tallahassee, was being shot at multiple times by a frightened white man. Ted made the grave error of 'moving', by taking evasive action. And then Ted Milton decided to throw a plastic cup in the shooter's direction, to defend himself. The plastic cup struck a wall near the terrified white man, and some soda droplets almost splashed the terrified white man's sleeve. As a result, Ted Milton is now convicted of attempted murder and will be sentenced to life without parole.
"Look, the law is the law", said Governor Cleghorn, "We can't make exceptions. It's a slippery slope. Next thing you know, no one can shoot anybody." He raised his finger in a gesture of authority, and was shot.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume