Facebook, the world's largest social network, has been growing at such an explosive rate, that it has run out of server space. Massive data servers the world over are filled to the brim with colossal amounts of useless information. And the tsunami of likes and pokes and status updates and comments is only expected to grow, with no end in sight.
The newest server, a cubic-mile subterranean storage unit, officially became full Wednesday night, when Morgan Fleck of Minnetonka Minnesota posted a picture of her labra-doodle taking a shit in the hot tub.
And that's when Facebook crashed. One billion screens went blank, and the world's population was left with nothing to do. "We're bursting at the seams", said Facebook executive Cranston Crock. "And there's only one way to go. Down. Literally."
In preparation for the impending data overflow, Facebook has been quietly drilling deep into the Earth. Giant blasters and vacuums have been breaking apart the crust and sucking out the magma, hollowing out the planet's core to make way for Facebook's Super Massive Ultra Extreme Data Storage Server, or SMUEDSS.
"Think of the Earth as an apple", said CEO Mark Zuckerberg. "And Facebook is at the center." The nearly one thousand mile diameter cavity will be property of Facebook Inc. The massive data server will fill the vast space once occupied by the former core. Enormous mile wide fiber optic conduits will allow data to stream ultra-fast between the Earth's surface and SMEUDSS. Once the SMEUDSS CoreServer is fully operational, over three trillion photos of babies, kittens, bacon sculptures, bad tattoos and other crap can be uploaded each second.
But what happens when the SMEUDSS CoreServer ultimately runs out of space? Facebook spokesman Jed Dempster laughed: "Are you kidding? The thing is gi-normous! We've got enough space in there to last two, maybe three years!"
Geologists have expressed concern about replacing Earth's core with a Facebook server. "We're tampering with nature", said Fred Mackney, specialist in plate tectonics. "Without a core, Earth isn't structurally sound." So far, only the continent of Australia has collapsed into a sinkhole of magma. "We're still working out the bugs," said SMEUDSS engineer Walt Finkle.
In spite of the impending planetary implosion, most people are unfazed. Facebook has been sexing up its image, and downplaying the scientists' warnings. "Who Needs a Core?" is the most popular ass tattoo of the week. And SMEUDSS is already the most 'liked' item of the day.
One of the biggest questions is: what happened to the original Core? Word has it that Youtube sensation Justin Beiber has purchased the thousand mile wide piece of iron, and is going to have it custom designed into a second home.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume |
