July 18, 2178: The National Wilderness Acre will finally open its gate to the public next Friday. Throngs of tourists will be able to walk among actual trees and flowers from 9am to 6pm every Wednesday through Saturday. "I've heard about these tree things, even seen them online", said Liam Bolton, father of four. "I didn't know they were so branchy and leafy."

The tiny plot of land, the last unpaved place on Earth, was designated a "Historical Nature Capsule" by Congress in a razor thin 218 to 217 vote. "I am proud to be a steward of the environment" said Democrat Craig Tully. "Now there's an acre of land on this planet that will be forever protected, for our children." Republican Stag Horksnout voted against the measure. "Another job killer! Some pansy ass liberal acre of trees getting in the way of progress. There's enough board feet on that faggy patch of land for at least half a Mega Church!"

But despite heavy GOP resistance, this miniscule speck of real estate is safe from industry, at least until the next legislative session. Since the Final Clear Cut of 2099, no tree has grown, and no flower has bloomed, outside of the greenhouses of the fabulously rich. As a result of the mega merger of ShellExxonMobilBP and CleanCoalFreedomFrack, Earth was virtually stripped of its ecosphere, becoming one colossal
coal mine and gas extraction facility from pole to pole, to power the expansion of off-world economies.

This 'Last Acre', a grove of pine, birch and maple, located in southwestern Autonomous Vermont Republic, was slated for demolition, in order to extract a lucrative coal seam. The law now keeps the bulldozers and drilling rigs at bay. Surrounded on all sides by a massive copper mine and sprawling oil refinery, the National Wilderness Acre is a bucolic throwback to another era. For a meager $12,000 day pass, visitors can wander the shady path, enjoy the babbling brook, and maybe catch a glimpse of the frog, or even the sparrow.

"My great grandfather remembers actual forests", said 83 year old National Acre Park Ranger Eric Tollman. "Without me, this would be cement!" Children, born onto a fully paved planet for three generations, have no understanding or appreciation of trees. "Foliage is the stuff of myth, like dinosaurs were to children of the 21st century", says eco-historian Evelyn Winthrop. "This acre is too small for all the kids to experience, but it's a start".

Unfortunately, next Friday's Grand Opening might be delayed, as poachers made off with most of the wood for a new shopping mall under construction in Florida. Most of the rest of the Acre is now being used for slash and burn farm practices. And the frog and the sparrow were allegedly kidnapped and are now either in a black market zoo or a shish kabob.

"We will do what we can to preserve the National Wilderness Acre", said Vermont President Bernie Sanders XI. Due to massive deforestation, Congress has officially re-named it the "National Wilderness Square Foot".

Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume



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