July 9, 2088: Hollywood's most profitable tool, the sequel, was declared illegal by a narrow vote in the Senate two weeks ago. "This is a victory for original storytelling", declared a jubilant Senator Paul Gibbons of New Jersey. But that might be a challenge, as every film produced in the last forty five years has been a sequel, a remake, or a reboot. The very act of creating original content is a lost art, akin to alchemy or witchcraft.
"This is preposterous!", said Massy Southerly, an angry studio executive. "What the fuck are we supposed to do, come up with new crap? Shoot me now!"
Spiderman XXXVI was top at the box office last week, followed by Paranormal Activity XLVII. Smurfs MCXIX came in third, and Alvin and the Chipmunks CXXXVIII a distant fourth. The Oscar for best picture went to High School Musical CLXXVI. And the Oscar for best actor went to some computer generated male model for "My Big Fat Gay Greek Divorce XXXIX".
But now, with sequels banned, movie theatres across the land lie empty. In the total absence of unoriginal warmed over crap, Hollywood is broke.
"Comfort and familiarity makes money", explained cinema-sociologist Braxton Hubble. "Original content is dangerous. There are just no investors willing to jump off that cliff." A few startups attempted to produce some never-before seen movie concepts. But angry sequel-addicted mobs rioted and burned the theatres to the ground. "I want my Spiderman!" drooled a furious middle aged man as he looted Raisinettes from a shattered display case.
And what is the punishment for violating the sequel ban? The guilty party must surrender his or her iPhone for life. And so, henceforth, production ground to a halt.
"We had the rug pulled out from under us!" said producer Axley Whoresmith. "First they outlaw remakes, then they criminalize reboots, now this! What's next? A ban on reality shows?" Axley Whoresmith's latest picture 'Extreme Titanic Rises Again XXXIV' was cancelled in mid production. The writers, unable to think up anything fresh, went back to teaching fitness bootcamp to bored hot housewives.
And so, Hollywood languished in bankruptcy. Unemployed filmmakers poured into the streets of Washington DC in mass protest. "What about the Dark Knights? And the Twilights? And the Saws? And the Shreks?" they shrieked. Their voices were finally heard in the corridors of power. Eventually, Melvin Hobbs, Minister of Mediocrity, struck down the law banning sequels. And once again, Hollywood can crank up its profit machine.
"I'm thrilled!" said out-of-work director Chad McSonic. "This means I can resume production on the remake of the reboot of Real Housewives of Boca Raton Making Moonshine With Duck Hunting Amish Lesbian Gypsies of the Jersey Shore. The Sequel!"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume