The economic crisis has proved one thing: trillions of dollars have vanished from the American middle class, dashing hopes and dreams for an entire generation. But this money hasn't just evaporated into thin air, as many theorize. Special investigator Dan Hawksdale decided to track down the missing trillions. And what he found was the most ambitious engineering project mankind has ever devised...
"Using the vast fortunes pilfered over the last 12 years, Republicans and their leaders have been assembling a second earth." Radar cloaked, and hidden on the other side of the sun, in a synchronized orbit, 'Rapture' as it is called, is 70% complete.
"Look at the state of things. We're fucked", said former Club for Wealth founder Grover Horquist. "The faster we can squeeze the resources out of society and what's left of this withered planet, the sooner we can finish 'Rapture'."
Dan Hawksdale has traveled to the secret launch pad in Patagonia, where Republicans have been rocketing components and supplies to the unfinished planet. He has also followed the financial paper trail. "It's funded by toxic mortgages, government bailouts, overblown military contracts, and tax breaks for millionaires."
Recently smuggled blueprints show the sheer magnitude of the project. Rapture is basically a second earth, complete with mountains, oceans, wildlife, and a pristine virginal, and balanced climate. Terraforming is almost complete. There will be golf courses, wild game reserves and five star restaurants every mile or so. But there will be no gated communities, because everyone on Rapture will be white, affluent, and heterosexual. Herman Cain and Clarence Thomas will be the only exceptions. They have seats on the first ship when it departs later this year. Seats are still available to Rapture for a modest $1 trillion apiece.
Earth First advocate Shelly Billings is not surprised at the discovery. "They deny climate change. They scorn any environmental regulations here on earth. Why? Because they can. And they've already got their own. But mark my words. They'll fuck up Rapture soon enough and will be stealing money again to build a third earth."
Meanwhile, Dan Hawksdale will be changing his name, disguising himself, and signing up as a gardener, dishwasher, or maybe a floor scrubber on Rapture, where he'll be sending secret dispatches back from the luxury world. "I could be a garbage man, or maybe even a nanny", he said, "After all, they're going to need 'help' on their new planet."