In a unanimous vote, the Texas state legislature decided to secede from the United States. "We hereby declare that the Republic of Texas has risen again!", said Gov. Rick Perry to a whoop-hollerin' victory jamboree. "My fellow Texans, stand tall! No more chafing under the jackboot of those Godless tree hugging free-thinking liberals. Adios America! The Lone Star State is now the Lone Star Nation!"
The announcement was met with 36 hours of Texas-wide binge drinking and celebratory gunfire. American flags were torn down and thrown onto huge bonfires, along with books on evolution and maps of the round-earth. Now, 'liberated' from federal law, the newly formed Nation of Texas Government went to work dismantling everything from streetlights to bridges. "Streetlights and bridges are faggy socialist hogwash", said Jeb Slokum, Minister of Football.
"If you wanna get somewhere in Texas, bring a flashlight and a canoe!"
The secession of Texas has left most Americans ambivalent. "Really? I thought we auctioned it off like twenty years ago" said Colorado resident Martha Atwell. "Isn't this like the third time, if you count the Civil War?" said Oregon fifth grader Lisa Woodruff. "Take her away, South America!" said Minneapolis mailman Paul Trimble.
Texas' departure from the Union has also created a dilemma about how to redesign the American flag. "We can't have 49 stars", said Rep. Hank Boswell of New Jersey. Plan "A" is to split California into two states, in order to keep the flag the same. Plan "B" is Iraq.
Texas' rugged cowboy policy of "boot-strap-o-nomics" has created enormous hardship for the working class. Health care has been outlawed. Abortion is a capital crime for women under 10, and police and fire departments have been decommissioned and privatized. "Got a problem with that?" said Chuck Firebird, Minister of Prayer, "then don't get raped or set on fire!"
Portions of Austin and San Antonio have chosen to remain part of the United States. These regions will stay open to Americans via special protected 'air corridors', as long as diplomatic relations between the U.S. and Texas remain friendly.
Asked about drafting a new constitution, Emperor-in-Waiting Rick Perry guffawed. "Who needs a Constitution? We got the Old Testament! Start her up and she'll run just fine!" However, the Old Testament, not being severe enough, will have to be amended, to include laws that allow the killing of prostitutes at night, blowing up fertilizer plants, removing the speed limit, and public hangings for marijuana possession.
And yet, the newly founded Nation of Texas is dead broke. In spite of slashing all funds for public services, public safety and education, there isn't a "dime in the kitty" said Buford Outlaw, Minister of Ethics and Virtue. The failed state put itself up for auction as a 'tear down with real potential'. So far, no bidders. "Oh well", Buford Outlaw chuckled from his rhinestone studded Hummer, "I guess we'll just have to pray a little harder."
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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