WASHINGTON DC- With time running out, and few options on the table, the United States military finds itself in a deepening quagmire. Syria, in defiance of international law, used chemical weapons in a large scale attack on its own people. "We cannot let this stand!" said a resolute President Obama. "If we don't act, we are simply giving a green light for other nations to use weapons of mass destruction." So last night, the United States let loose a blistering wave of tomahawk cruise missiles into Syria, taking out dozens of schools, hospitals and olive orchards. "Let that be a lesson to you, Mr. Ass-ad!" tweeted the U.S. military to the Syrian regime.
In response, Bashar al Assad did a touchdown dance in his Italian suit, amidst all the rubble. He tweeted back. "Is that all you've got? I've seen better aim in a tube of toothpaste!"
The U.S., who doesn't take any shit from second rate dictators, got really, really pissed. So twenty minutes later, a squadron of B2 stealth bombers unleashed a furious wave of American firepower across Syria, crippling the water supply, taking out all the power stations, and plunging Syria back into the dark ages.
When the smoke cleared, Assad was seen erecting a huge bronze statue of himself atop a pile of dead Syrians. "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me!" he Facebooked back at an astonished U.S.A. "You gotta try harder than that, poopy-pants!"
Infuriated, humiliated, cornered, and alone in the world, the United States was left with one last terrifying option. A doomsday weapon that brings shivers to all who even mention its name. A Pandora's Box of unimaginable horrors. A point-of-no-return, genie-out-of-the-bottle specter of nightmares:
At precisely 9:24 Eastern Standard Time, the United States of America officially unfriended Syria on Facebook. No more friendly announcements. No more cute comments. The little Stars and Stripes profile pic became a gray blank head. The announcement sent weapons stocks plummeting on Wall Street. Russia and Iran, staunch allies of Syria, sent out pleas for mercy from the United States, not to be unfriended. China even offered to cancel our debt, as long as we didn't unfriend them. Disgraced and unfriended, Bashar al-Assad abandoned his palace, dissolved his army, and was last seen dressed in woman's garb, trying to sneak out of the country.
"The act of unfriending is the ultimate insult, a final blow that leaves the victim helpless, voiceless, and worthless", said Facebookologist Stanley Dimplesworth. "It's going nuclear without the mushroom cloud."
The United States, with over 3,357,245,899 friends, is a Facebook superpower. With one single crushing blow, it ended the Syrian civil war, restored democracy to the Middle East, and sent extremist groups running for cover. Next on its agenda: Universal global healthcare, prosperity and happiness for all, and a pollution free planet. Whoever has the most friends, wins.
But little 14 year old Tug Wipplesnout, of Knoxville Tennessee isn't far behind. At 3,357,245,897 friends, Tug is the second most 'popular' entity on the planet. The pimply faced teenage video game junkie is thrilled at the prospect of absolute world domination. "My plan is simple. Unfriend my way to the top, declare martial law, seize all weapons for myself, and rule the universe! All I need are a couple of more friends."
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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