Satan, aka the Devil, aka the Prince of Darkness, had a major setback last week when his enormous collection of souls escaped. For the last six thousand years, Satan has been acquiring vast quantities of souls, by offering ridiculous and delusional fantasies to desperate people.
That racket proved extremely lucrative for Lucifer, until last Friday. That's when the soul of Howard Jenkins, a school janitor from 1922, decided he'd had enough. "The conditions here suck!", he concluded. "Sure, the bastard gave me a thousand bucks for my soul. But that was a lot of money back in '22. I got a raw deal! Fuck this limbo shit! All we do is trim his hedges and clean his toilets! For eternity!" Howard Jenkins' disgruntled soul managed to overwhelm and tie up a demon-guard. He then deftly picked the lock on a small ceiling hatch in Purgatory and escaped. He left the door open behind him, resulting in one of the biggest prison breaks in history.
By the time Satan was awakened by his security detail, over a million souls had been fled back up to Earth. "What the hell!" he exclaimed in a burst of impotent rage. He immediately fired his top demons, and went into a deep depression. With no more captive souls to toil away and maintain his vast hellish lair, Satan was forced to declare bankruptcy last Friday.
"I should have invested properly" said the horned Lord of Discord, "but I figured I was set for eternity. I guess it's Ramen Noodles and Dollar Tacos for this poor devil."
Satan's collection of Hummers and assault rifles was repossessed yesterday morning. Underwater on his mortgage and facing foreclosure, he went on craigslist looking for odd jobs. "This is bullshit!" complained the Prince of Darkness, as he spun a flimsy cardboard arrow advertising "Cheap Tires!" on a street corner in Reseda, California.
The abrupt change in lifestyle was too much for Lucifer, who had enjoyed millennia of absolute power and limitless wealth. Satan finally hit rock bottom when he got fired at McDonald's for trying to sell a Filet-O-Fish to a customer in exchange for his soul.
The Devil Himself was curled up in a greasy cardboard box on Skid Row when two shadowy figures showed up in the fog, wearing pinstripe suits and shit eating grins. "Sir, how would you like to manage a hedge fund?" Lucifer looked up, covered with grime. "Or maybe a private security firm that operates above the law in war zones? Or perhaps a genetically modified food empire? Or maybe a seat in Congress?" A smile spread across Satan's unwashed face. "Are you offering me a job?"
The Koch Brothers opened a whale skin briefcase and took out the contract. "All this, and more, can be yours, for your shrivelled little soul."
"Sure I miss the good old days, back in Hell" said a tanned Lucifer, as he landed his helicopter atop his Dubai penthouse. "But my bosses are cool, and I got the world by the nut sack. Who needs a soul for that?"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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