In today's world of 'sustainable' living and 'environmentally friendly' products, there's one company you can count on to treat you like the royal pig that you are.
Virgin-Throwaway.com proudly announces its line of non-recycled products made from endangered flora and fauna, and designed to be used only once! "We here at Virgin-Throwaway.com don't care about the planet", said CEO Derrick Littlehead, "We care about the customer. It's about prestige, power and convenience. Our motto is: Unsustainable Is The New Black!"
Virgin-Throwaway.com's latest product, the Siberian Tiger Diaper, is the crème de la crème in upscale disposable baby-wear. Cut from the hide of a freshly killer Siberian tiger, this soft yet rugged diaper is a power statement. "My baby is a miracle from God, and so is his shit," said Miami mother Chizzle Bubbletuck. "His precious bottom will never touch the same diaper twice." Siberian Tiger Diapers come in packs of twenty five. Only one diaper is cut from each animal. The rest of the dead Siberian tiger is thrown into a landfill - to prevent "secondary use". Order now as Siberian tigers are in limited supply!*
Austin Phillips of the Sierra Club is outraged. "This company is setting a dangerous precedent. If we don't live sustainably and treat our fragile planet with respect, then we have condemned ourselves as a species."
"Living sustainably is so 2009!", chuckled CEO Derrick Littlehead, "Our clientele want premium product at any cost. That's how we roll."
The 'Hundred Mile Tire®' was introduced last year, and it's a huge hit. Made from Arctic whale blubber, it is designed to wear out after only a hundred miles. "I'm on my fifth set!" said Texas trucker Ted Beefman. "Just toss them out and buy some more!" Ted's truck, the 24,000 horsepower rhino skin upholstered Super Duty Globefucker®, is also disposable. Loyal customers get a free Super Duty Globefucker after every five throw-aways (within a six month period).
And for the discriminating writer, Virgin-Throwaway.com introduces RedWoodClassic paper products. A fully mature redwood tree is chopped down to make one sheet of top grade paper. The rest of the tree is then burned. "At $10,000 per sheet, you really want to get your shopping list right the first time", said Newport Beach housewife Claudia Le Douche. She then strapped on her sports bra (made of zebra eyelashes) and went shopping. Her house, the latest model 'Dispoz-a-Castle' is a four story pink marble mansion complete with polar bear throw rugs and komodo dragon toilet paper. Even the staff and gardening crew are disposable. Dispoz-a-Castle usually lasts about two weeks, before it wears out and needs replacement.
Asked what will happen when all of the natural resources on Earth are used up, CEO Derrick Littlehead scoffed. "We at Virgin-Throwaway.com are unconcerned. Earth is amazingly huge. In fact, its bounty is pretty much infinite. We can provide product to our clients forever, or for the next eighteen months, whichever comes first."
*Virgin-throwaway members get a free seal skin baby wipe with each Siberian Tiger Diaper!
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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