3 million plastic signs that say
"GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN": $500,000
1600 miles of yellow tape for blocking off
all the National Parks: $7,000,000
Half a million traffic barriers to seal off
museum parking lots: $485,000
Hiring thousands of workers to install
all of these items across the land: priceless.
Indeed, the cost of announcing the government shutdown could run well into the billions. "Look, the government has shut down. And we have to tell people that it has shut down. That costs money", said Morgan Whipstaff (R) of the House budget committee. "Victory has a price." As Republicans do their touchdown dance at the Capital, thousands of government employees worked well into the night sending out millions of e-mails to other government employees telling them not to come to work. That, along with the cost of bringing in hundreds of pizzas to feed those employees spiraled into the millions.
"We're looting the American taxpayer to pay for this shutdown!" exclaimed Burkin Crabtree of the Club for Wealth. "I say we just lock the doors and let the public figure it out for themselves!" Democrat Chuck Channing retorted "You've got to pay someone to lock all those doors. It's only fair."
This only drew howls of outrage from the GOP. "Liberal humanist hogwash!" said Senator Braxton Horksnout of Idaho. "You start paying people to shut the government down, we'll run out of money!" Already, the Departments of Education, Health and Human Services, and Transportation have been emptied out, to pay for the demolition of the Lincoln Memorial and the filling in of the Grand Canyon.
As the standoff enters its second week, neither side is planning to budge. "Keep your eye on the goal posts!" said Senator Horksnout. "With a little help from the Lord, we can win this thing, and live as our Founding Fathers did... free from health care, electricity, highways, and the Statue of Liberty." In fact the Statue of Liberty was sold as scrap to China, to pay for another ten million glossy mail out pamphlets announcing the government shutdown.
And so, like a giant shitty Christmas Tree, the government flickered off, one light at a time. The final cost of shutting the government down was never tallied, as the Department of Records was shut down.
"This is what real Freedom feels like" said an exuberant Congressman Hawkins Dogpile of Alabama, as he sipped a mojito on his extreme yacht. "Once they shut the prisons down, they can let out the inmates. Then we'll make them run things and we can start up the government again, for free!"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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