Nothing says success like the perfect branding for your product. And in today's world of increasingly aggressive advertising, one needs to 'push the envelope' ever further in order to leave a lasting mark.
Leave a deep impression on your customers with "Adver-Brand". The concept is elegantly simple: Your logo is cast in red-hot iron, and 'branded' into the flesh of any willing (or unwilling) person. For a modest fee, someone gets to spend the rest of his or her life as a walking billboard.
"I love my Starbucks Brand", giggled Lori Dweetzer of Stanton California, as she showed off the sixteen inch diameter green logo burned into her back. "The wound got infected and I almost died, but it's so awesome! I'm thinking of getting "BMW", or maybe "Dorritos" branded onto my chest. I just need to borrow $400 from somewhere."
"Why would anyone pay to be mutilated in the name of advertising?" exclaimed Stella Farnsworth of "Don't Brand Us!" (an anti-advertising group). "Society needs to take its meds!"
AdverBrand itself has been branded as 'epic body modification'. Young people are lining up and emptying their wallets to be the 'Biggest Branded Bro on the Block!' Brad Shunt dropped out of college and sold his truck to have "Facebook" vertically branded along the entire length of his body. "Dude, maybe I'll get into the Guinness Book of World's Records". He did. For about a week. Until Brittany Bork branded herself with "Smith and Wesson" in a candy cane spiral from head to toe. "Sure it cost me $10,000", Bork said, "but I get free bullets for life!"
"It's the next great frontier in marketing!" said CEO Mark Shoestring. "In fact, I'm a customer!" He pulled his shirt up to reveal the AdverBrand logo scorched across his fat hairy stomach.
Unlike tattoos, brands cannot be removed without painful skin grafts. Such is the case of Derick Frebozo of Tallahassee, who had Jeb Bush's face branded onto his own face. For such extreme branding, surgery is not even an option. "Shit!" exclaimed a frustrated Frebozo (who now looks a like a badly sunburned Jeb Bush), I just want my money back!"
And now, convicts can be released early from prison in exchange for a 'branding'. Serial cannibal Manfred Sloat is now walking the streets, a free man - with a huge BUDWEISER logo burned into his forehead. "Have a cold beer with your friends, literally!" chuckled the freshly branded cannibal.
Allow five weeks to heal. Apply generous amounts of ointment. Side effects may include swelling, fever, vomiting, loss of friends, depression, anxiety, infection, and the compulsion to get branded over and over again.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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