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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 68:

LAST MODERATE REPUBLICAN DIES IN CAPTIVITY


 

 
 


July 10, 2051: Harold 'Fuzzy' Wenford, the world's last moderate Republican, died today in captivity at a private zoo on a Texas game ranch. The species of open minded, logical thinking human had long been on the endangered list. But finally, after decades of relentless poaching and trophy hunting, Conservatus Moderatus was finally driven to extinction.

The scruffy haired 92 year old Harold, or "Fuzzy" as he was affectionately called by his owner, was found dead in his cage just before sunrise. "Fuzzy's death marks the end of an era" said 16 year old Tea Party Senator Chest Manboy. "His ideas are now extinct, along with his species." As a moderate Republican, Harold was a supporter of numerous obsolete theories, such as health care, fire departments, and gravity. "He also believed in this fairy tale about some invisible creatures called 'germs'", chuckled Senator Manboy. "If you can't see it, it's obviously not there, dumbass!"

Once Harold's carcass is removed from his cage, it will be cleaned, quartered and sold for parts on Tea-bay. "I put in a bid for his head" said 14 year old Rep. Gibbons Littleface (R) of Arkansas. "The stuffed head will look awesome in my son's playroom." The pubescent congressman has a vast collection of mounted trophy heads in his office, including several extremely rare specimens of the long extinct Progressivus Democraticus. "They're really scary and smart looking", said his pregnant 7 year old daughter, Bloatilda, "but their hands make great ashtrays."

Harold "Fuzzy" Wenford was a Republican Senator from Virginia, back in the 'Checks and Balances' Era of American history. His defeat at the hands of a teenage radical Christian gave Congress a hyper conservative super majority. The last Democrat had been defeated twenty years earlier. The word 'moderate' became synonymous with 'witchcraft'. Lawmakers with centrist views were put into zoos. The rest were put onto game preserves where they got used for target practice. "They're kind of tough" said NRA (and United States) President Bluff Sidewinder, "but with a few spices and a splash of barbecue sauce, moderates make for good eatin'."

The surviving moderates lived out their lives as indentured servants on sprawling ranches. Tea Party elites would often put them in 'combat' cages and let them fight to the death (as was often done with debtors and non-believers). The winner received free food for a week. The last remaining moderates dwindled down to few hundred, then fifty, then twenty, then one.

And so, Harold 'Fuzzy' Wenford is now a footnote in history. Well, he would be, if history hadn't been outlawed by Congress last year.

Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume

 

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