36 year old Reed Corkmouth still lives in his mother's basement. He's a wiz at World of Warcraft, he smokes a righteous bong, and he eats a mean slice of cold pizza. Despite his near total uselessness, his mother can't abort him, because of a controversial new law that protects a fetus up to 45 years of age.
"Hey bro, I'm a miracle of life!", mumbled Reed, surrounded by a halo of bong smoke, "I'm too precious to abort." And so, he continues to gestate safely in his mother's basement.
Reginald Gibbs, 33, hasn't washed a dish in his life. He gets up from his moldering bean bag chair twice a day to reload his bowl with Froot Loops and to defecate. The last job he had was mowing half the lawn when he was 25, and that was his first job. And now, because of the Adult Fetal Protection Act, Reginald Gibbs is a fully recognized person, safe from the evil clutches of the abortion doctor, or gainful employment. "Life is sweet!" responded Gibbs, spilling soggy Froot Loops all over his filthy bathrobe.
The Adult Fetal Protection Act, or "AFPA" was ratified by Congress last week, setting off a firestorm of controversy. "A fetus is God's miracle" said Rep Hank Baxter (R) of Mississippi, "even if it's a full grown slob and a total drain on society. We must preserve life at all costs." But Marybeth Clowell, mother of 40 year old Matt Clowell, feels differently. "I raised him for nine months in my belly, and the next 40 in my attic. No politician is going to tell me what to do!" Marybeth went ahead and illegally aborted Matt, by kicking his 40 year old ass out on the street and making him get a job at McDonalds. Hundreds of protesters gathered around the Clowells' house, chanting "BABY KILLER!" and "PROTECT UNBORN ADULTS!"
The original Personhood Amendment protected sperm, zygotes, blasotcysts and embryos. Now it extends into middle age. "I am proud of my little angel" said Deb Stanley, of her 39 year old son, Mike, who still breast feeds. "Abortion is a crime, and every baby, no matter how old, should be granted the sacred gift of life!" At that point Mike started whining for more breast-milk, and fifty bucks to go down to the local strip club.
"This law is completely out of control!" said Paul Jennings of
snip-the-cord.com (a pro-adult abortion group), "At this rate, in twenty years, the entire world will be pooping its pants and whining for sippy cups."
And so, the Adult Fetal Protection Act (or AFPA) is now the law of the land... with a few minor conditions. "God loves all his children." said Pastor Wilfred Applebox. "As long as they're straight, white, and keep a reasonably good score at Grand Theft Auto, He will welcome them into His flock."
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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