What do you get for the rabid Republican who has everything? How do you excite a deeply religious right wing billionaire who has done it all? Extra-marital sex with underage prostitutes makes him yawn. Shutting down the government no longer gives him a woody. When standard smut isn't enough, it's time to get kinky! So kick it up a notch with Frack-Porn®!
Frack-Porn® is the latest in extreme pleasure for the hyper conservative zealot. Banned worldwide, this DVD collection of unspeakable nastiness is so hot, it'll 'slash and burn' you to the ground!
"Some folks are into bondage. Others are into diapers, or ladies shoes", said Senator Tom Coburn (R) Oklahoma. "Me, I like sprawl. Out of control urban sprawl! Nothing gets my flag flappin' like the crack of a bulldozer blade against a grove of mighty oaks."
"Clear Cut and Shaved", a popular Frack-Porn, is a smokin' hot tale about a lush forested mountain, that gets stripped bare, and penetrated from both ends for its black gold. The climax (as in all frack-porns), is when the mountain gets flattened, paved, and developed into a housing tract. "Come on, who hasn't secretly fantasized about pouring toxic sludge into a virgin lake and setting the surface on fire?" said GOP strategist Horton Spankley. "Pave it over and put a housing tract on it. God! This is better than Viagra!"
"Frack Me Hard!" is another Frack-Porn blockbuster. A pristine Wyoming grassland gets punctured multiple times by a huge proboscis. Then it gets pumped full of noxious fluid, and enormous pockets of gas get released in a zipper-popping climax. The sequel, "Drill Baby Drill" promises to be even dirtier and nastier!
And what's Huge, Hot and Black? Find out in "Hot Top Fantasy!"- the 'revealing' story of a beautiful farm that gets hot-topped into a 3000 car parking lot. The DVD even comes with a scratch'n'sniff card that smells like burning tar.
"These are snuff films about the earth!" exclaimed Helen Jansworth of Greenpeace. "Anyone who gets their rocks off on this crap needs some serious help."
Republicans are lining up around the block to buy the newest release, "Global Warming in My Pants". Three Titan Dump Trucks gang up on a baby harp seal for two hours of all-out truck on seal action - so hot it will make sea levels rise!
"I'm putting that one right into my spank bank!" said Senator Jeff Flake (R) Arizona. "But first I need to finish 'Stroke My XL Pipeline'." The mega-naughty Frack-Porn is arousing loads of GOP curiosity: 1,700 miles of engorged masculinity snake across the naked American heartland. At the climax, the Pipeline bursts open, spewing a jet of hot black ooze all over the virgin Nebraska prairie. "It's the perfect happy ending", chuckled Senator Flake.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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