One hundred fifty years ago, slavery was abolished. Ninety years ago, women got the right to vote. Fifty years ago, interracial marriage became legal. Several months ago, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act, opening up the prospects for countless same sex couples.. For many, it's cause for celebration. But for some, it's moving just a little bit too fast.
"This progress thing is like a runway train!", said Cletus McGock of Sticky Springs Arkansas. "It seems like just over a century ago, you could buy a strong young buck. And now, two strong young bucks can marry? Has America fallen into a hellish hornet's nest?"
Pastor Hank Thugsdale of Bumblewood Kentucky is raising the fear alert. "A man legally marrying a man? What's next? A man marrying a dog? A man marrying a vegetable?" And then, just last week, Bruce Hawkins, computer technician from Tustin California, married an artichoke. And traditionalists across America are howling with rage.
"There is no place in the Bible that says a man can marry an artichoke!" shouted Senator Dennis Braxton (R) Missouri. "It's an abomination! I move to implement a federal law banning all man-vegetable matrimony from this point forward! Amen!"
After they were pronounced Man and Artichoke, Bruce and his nutrient rich greenish bride, Griselda, kissed and jumped into a white limo as friends and family cheered them on. "We're soul mates", said Griselda, the artichoke, to a gaggle of reporters. "Nothing will come between us, except maybe a lemon cilantro hummus dip."
But just as the law banning man-vegetable marriage passed in Congress, Howard Shopson, a Miami plumber, proposed to his water heater and refrigerator. The three way man/appliance wedding is scheduled for next spring, and is certain to be a high profile, big budget production. In spite of the controversy, love knows no boundaries.
But unorthadox marriage is not without scandal. Last week, in the Philippines, Jack DiStefano was caught cheating on his wife, a classic two-tone 1967 Thunderbird. Infuriated, the vintage car posted the humiliating photos of her husband on Facebook, and is suing for damages. Mr. DiStefano had been carrying on numerous affairs, including one with a television set, a mailbox, a porcupine and a cactus. He is now undergoing counceling, as well as several painful surgeries. The Thunderbird filed for divorce, but hit a roadblock. The Philippines is a deeply Catholic nation: therefore, the man and car are stuck together for life, because divorce in the Philippines is illegal.
And so, men are marrying appliances, women are marrying cutlery, and computers are marrying poultry. At the going rate, the traditional act of marriage (one man, one woman) will be wiped out within a decade. "I see no problem", said newlyweds Bruce and his artichoke bride. "Once we move in to our new home, we hope to adopt a cantaloupe, a lawnmower and a giant squid. We'll all be one big happy family!"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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