Last week, there were three (or was it seven, no twelve?) mass shootings across the nation. At one point, mass shootings were competing for headline space like hogs squeezing into an elevator. Three students shot in Pittsburgh. Four shoppers shot in Tallahassee. Five coffee drinkers shot in Denver. Seven golfers shot in Palm Desert. "I'm burned out on mass shootings." said avid news junkie Crowley Smith. "Can't we come up with some new heinous headline, so I can be outraged again?" According to experts, America is coming down with a nasty case of 'Mass Shooting Fatigue'.
"We've reached mass-shooting saturation," explained violence expert Horton Kleeb. "Americans are beginning to tune out. We're becoming the next Iraq." In fact, the latest mass shooting - at a shoe store in Phoenix - placed just below "Top 10 Lady Gaga Hats", and just above "Dozens Killed in Baghdad Car Bombing".
Mass shootings have dropped in popularity among readers nationwide - from a high of 79% in 2012 to a paltry 15% this week. That puts mass shootings in a dead heat with delusional rants by Sarah Palin.
"We are working around the clock to boost the attention
span of Americans regarding mass shootings" said Mr. Kleeb. "One solution is to space it out to one mass shooting per week. That way, Americans have enough time to be horrified and disgusted, tweet their rage, and get over it in time for the next mass shooting.
But the task of 'scheduling' mass shootings has proven difficult. "We've contacted all the angry loners, sociopaths and human time bombs out there", said event planner Martha Steubens. "They'll submit an online form. Next, they will be placed on a waiting list for the next available mass-shooting date." Deranged sociopath Kevin Goggins was outraged "No one tells me when I can explode! I'll mass shoot when I damn well please." Other attempts included a mass shooting lottery and a mass shooting dance contest. The winner gets to choose his mass-shooting date.
"Why don't we just get rid of mass shootings?" said Jessica Atwell of the Logical Thinking Institute. "Better yet, let's get rid of the source problem that causes mass shootings."
"Here we go again", said NRA spokesman Elwood Krustlebutt. "First they take away our guns. Next thing, the communist gay mafia's selling our children to North Korea!"
And so, America continues to suffer from Mass Shooting Fatigue. Symptoms include numbness, apathy, drowsiness, and compulsive watching of Youtube kitten videos.
Mass Shooting Fatigue is now America's hottest new ailment. But our nation also suffers from Disaster Fatigue, Congress Fatigue, and War Fatigue. "What's next?" said fatigue expert Duane Baxter. "I believe that America is overdue for a case of Miley Cyrus Fatigue."
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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