Nuclear power, coal, natural gas, wind... step aside. There's a new energy source on the horizon, and it promises to be the biggest boon in American history: the Blubberwatt.
This untapped reservoir contains nearly 3.75 billion pounds of human fat. (That's the amount of collective weight gained by the population of the United States between Thanksgiving and New Years Day, every year.)
"We base this on an average of 10 pounds gained per American" said gastroblubberologist Stan Wink. "After adding up all the turkey, stuffing, pecan pie, deviled eggs, candied yams and double fudge candy cane caramel coffee butterbrickle ice cream, that comes to an astonishing amount of fat." This new revelation is good news for the energy industry. "We just struck oil!" said an excited Exxon executive. "And it's all right here under our belts!"
In fact, America's collective 'spare tire' is so huge, it could potentially power over 20,000 homes for two weeks. The holiday super surge of lard could also fuel a half million cars, a hundred commercial jets, or even a fully operational aircraft carrier. The U.S. military is already exploring methods for harnessing this gargantuan glut of gas for national security. But how does one extract this vast reservoir of Thanksgiving leftovers, Christmas cookies, and eggnog brownies?
"It's quite simple, and environmentally friendly-ish." said navel engineer Doug Willistock. "Splice a three inch hose valve into to the belly of every American. This will allow us to sluice off that extra fat dangling from your 'Holiday waistline'. A nationwide network of blubber pipes will then carry the fuel to local refineries. Once we have the infrastructure in place, we should be able to generate up to 75 blubberwatts per day."
"I'm packing on an extra thirty pounds this month!" said Arkansas housewife Wilma Blathers. "Six helpings of turkey, three slices of triple fudge cake, not to mention five scoops of blackberry butterscotch ice cream and a twelve pack of Guinness stout. This year, I'm doing my patriotic duty!"
As America's patriotic duty piles up, Blubbermania is certain to be a cash cow, or in this case, a cash sow for the energy industry. But what happens after New Years Day, when the blubber guilt kicks in, and everyone stops stuffing their gullet and goes to the gym? "That's a real problem", says professor of blubbernomics Chuck Hogsdale. "Once the blubber stops flowing, America's economy stops." One idea: Create new holidays every two weeks (year round) in which Americans are required to gorge themselves silly. America would become the world's first 'Blubberocracy'.
"Just keep eating", explained Professor Hogsdale. "If every American stays morbidly obese, permanently, America could be energy independent by 2020."
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
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