Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie made headlines again today when he totally popped off at a 7 year old boy, while working as a birthday party clown. The ex governor was dressed in a bright red bozo suit, complete with frilly collar, ball-nose, blue eye shadow and rainbow afro wig, when little 7 year old Antoine Jacobs made an astute observation:
"Hey birthday clown! Aren't you that fat guy who used to be governor? What a comedown!"
"Get a job, you little shit!", screamed an enraged Christie. He then fashioned a baseball bat out of animal balloons and started pummeling little Antoine, until his parents came running out and restrained the out of control former governor.
The disgraced ex-gov can now add another notch to his scandal stained resume. As police cuffed and stuffed the screaming clown into the squad car, curious neighbors Instagrammed the priceless moment. Christie's red-nosed outburst went viral. Subsequently, he was fired from the birthday clown agency.
Life hasn't been easy for the former GOP presidential hopeful. Drummed out of office after BridgeGate, and SandyGate, Christie's reputation deflated. He went from unstoppable, to unelectable (and virtually unemployable). Shamed, (but still pissed as hell) he scrounged craigslist looking for whatever job he could find.
As a garbage truck driver, Christie was recognized and ridiculed by one of his former constituents. Infuriated, he retaliated, unloading twelve tons of garbage into the man's bedroom. When questioned, Christie denied any knowledge. "That garbage dumped itself", he explained.
Later, Christie was hired as a Starbucks barista. But that didn't last long. When a customer asked for a 'fattuccino' with an extra shot of gridlock, Christie exploded with rage. "I got your crappuccino right here!!" he bellowed. When the customer tasted pee in his venti-caramel macchiato, Christie was taken aside and questioned. "My administration doesn't pee in people's coffee! But if it did, it was only meant as a flavor study." A three thousand page investigative document proved otherwise.
And so, Chris Christie floundered from job to job. From tollbooth operator to crossing guard to bag boy to fluffer - all of them ended with assault charges and restraining orders.
Today, Christie works as a bouncer at a lesbian biker ultimate fighting club. "I'm home", said a cocksure Christie. "Finally, I get to push undesirable people into the street, tell them to shut the fuck up, and get paid for it. Now if I can only become governor again... I could have my cakes and eat them too!"
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