The United States military has unveiled the most heinous doomsday weapon yet in its anti-terror arsenal. Last week, the government announced that pop phenomenon Justin Bieber has been used against Islamic extremists in the mountains of Pakistan.
The tactic is simple: the obnoxious, intoxicated 19 year old lands near a group of unsuspecting militants, and starts primping, posing, and wailing in a screeching auto-tune voice. In less than five minutes, every living thing within a hundred feet drops dead. It's all done by highly trained operators, who control the unmanned teenage drone, with joysticks, from a remote facility near Las Vegas. And the results are horrifying beyond words. "Oh come on, this is too painful!" screamed terrorist Jihad Mahmood. "Just drop a conventional bomb on me now and put me out of my misery!"
Justin Bieber has proven devastatingly effective on the battlefield, but he is also being used as a form of 'enhanced interrogation' in many of the United States' secret detention facilities around the world, enraging many peace activists.
"Once again, the United States resorts to barbaric forms of torture to try and 'win' its war of terror", said Helen Nickerson, spokesperson for Stop Torture Now! "This is a disgusting new level of cruelty, and sets a monstrous example for the rest of the world." After three minutes of being locked in a room with Justin Bieber, terrorist Abu Hamsa completely broke down. "No! Noooo! Ahhhh! Please stop, I'll confess everything, even if it's not true!"
But the U.S. military is resolute. "In the name of National Security, we have to use Justin Bieber", said General Todd Hubris of Central Command. "I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemies, but that's exactly the point. We're getting real results, and making the world a safer place." Detainees at Guananamo complained: "We're just terrorists! You've got Justin Bieber! That's not fair!"
"The unauthorized use of Justin Bieber should stop now!", declared Senator Patrick Leahy (D) Vermont. "Before you know it, law enforcement will be using Justin Bieber right here in the United States, to terrorize our own people!"
Yesterday, unsettling news has emerged that China, Syria and Canada are building their own Justin Biebers. The proliferation of the sneering tone deaf manboy could easily bring humanity to its knees. Citizens worldwide are stockpiling food, water and earplugs, for what could very well be the Bieberocalypse.
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume
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