"In the future, everybody will get their 15 minutes of fame." This profound quote from the late Andy Warhol put a whole new perspective on the idea of being recognized and loved the world over.
Today, the Ministry of Fame officially announced that, due to 'sheer demographic overload', it is cutting everyone's 15 minutes of fame down to 3 minutes.
"Anything was possible. Anybody could achieve their dreams of fame for 15 minutes." said sociologist Anton Sherembo. "But that was over 40 years ago, when there were only 3 billion people on the planet... and before Youtube existed."
"We can no longer supply fifteen minutes of fame to everyone on the planet", said Ministry of Fame spokesman Jackman Warble. "There are more than 7 billion people on Earth now, and most of them have iPhones. So Fame Austerity is the only option."
The announcement left billions of humans devastated and heartbroken. "Whaaa?" complained 16 year-old Tiffany Boobles of Sarasota FL. "I got stuck on an escalator for like two hours when the power went out. I filmed myself the whole time. And I'm going to be famous for like - only three minutes?"
Stuart Bartleston posted his misspelled and infected tattoo online. The red and swollen words "IM AWSOME!!!" inked into his pimply back, only got him two minutes of global stardom. "Sweet!", exclaimed Stuart. I've still got two more minutes to film myself snorting fart gas on Youtube! Or is it one? Two plus two makes three, right?"
Serial arsonist Doug Flatby was enraged. "Come on! I've set fire to like seventy homes and twelve forests now. And I posted it all on my Facebook page. I deserve way more than three minutes!"
Protests erupted across the globe. Hundreds of thousands of aspiring celebrities crowded the world's capitals, chanting "Give us 15 minutes or give us death!" The spontaneous uprisings were given thirty seconds of airtime on CNN before cutting to a beer commercial starring Miley Cyrus.
"Look," said Minister of Fame Scranton Maxworth, "If we gave everyone 15 minutes of fame today, we would be backlogged into the next century. Plus - there will be no one to watch them be famous, because everyone will be in line waiting for their turn to be famous."
The three minute fame limit takes effect immediately. "It'll be like cramming 20 pounds of genius into a 5-pound sack" said Youtube butt-trumpeter Melvin Hobbs. And for the really fame-famished, the Ministry of Fame is offering a 'deluxe' fame package. For ten thousand dollars (per extra minute), you can extend your global glory for as long as you want. Talent and ambition not required.
"We take cash or money orders," said Minister of Fame Scranton Maxworth. "We turn no one away. Kim Kardashian is one of our biggest customers."
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume
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