September 22, 2077: The last place on Earth without a surveillance camera is closing up for good. The "Freedom John" a rustic 1970's era public toilet, will be bulldozed today in a cheerful ceremony. "Finally, Earth will be 100% privacy free, from pole to pole!" said SafetyNet CEO Derrick Ballsac. The public bathroom is being demolished to make way for a colossal shopping complex, which will, of course, be festooned with security cameras.

The Freedom John is the last spot on Earth where one can sit back, read a magazine, and take a dump without being recorded and archived on a vast database. Once the quaint shittery is 'decommissioned', Earth will be a solid contiguous blanket of security cams, every ten feet in every direction, from horizon to horizon. The safetysphere, as it is called, will be fully operational within a month.

"That Freedom John was a gathering place for deviants", said angry white truck driver Dennis Tightshirt... "Freaks. Perverts. Artists. Witches. Now they got nowhere to go!" As America celebrates the death of privacy, some are frustrated by the loss of this last vestige of solitude.

"I have to shower with at least three cameras aimed at me", said Norman Smithers of Las Vegas. "Not to mention the safety cam pointed at my personal toilet. Sometimes I get self-conscious, and I get too nervous to pee."

"If you can't pee, then maybe you've got something to hide" said Secretary of Voyeurism Angus Hagfist. "Toilet cams are there for your safety. Bathrooms are the ideal place to hatch terrorist plots."

The whole security industrial complex got its start with the Reality TV movement back in the early 21st century. "Our sinister plan worked!" said privacy deconstructionist Howard Knob. "Our low-brow Reality TV shows softened up the public. By 2015, privacy became lame and unattractive. Locking your door was socially unacceptable. Hiding your online passwords was a sign of weakness."

By now, Americans have become completely accustomed to bathing, sleeping, farting, masturbating, and having sex on camera, at all times. "My chair flipped back while I was surfing porn online", said web junkie Alvin Withers. "I crashed my naked pimpled ass onto the floor, hairy legs flailing in the air. It was awesome. I got like 3 million hits on Youtube!"

And so, freedom has become a museum exhibit. It sits behind a glass wall in a large room bristling with security cameras (next to the former Freedom John). It adds new meaning to the Shakespeare quote "All the world's a stage."


Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

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