EnviroCoal, the largest producer of deadly chemicals used in the coal industry, accidentally dumped 20 million gallons of 4-Methylcyclohexane-
methanol into the Missouri River. For fifty miles, the water turned an opalescent gray, millions of fish died, and water supplies in fifty towns had to be shut off. Faced with mounting fury over this horrendous spill, EnviroCoal quickly declared the accident a piece of "performance art".

"We are merely trying to express, through art, how truly fragile our planet is," lied EnviroCoal CEO Chad Fecklethorpe. "By destroying fifty miles of river ecosystem, we are making a heart-felt statement about how concerned we are as a green-minded corporation."

EnviroCoal quickly produced a sequel to its performance art piece by "accidentally" setting the river surface on fire. Townsfolk fled their burning homes in panic as a deadly cloud of poison gas filled the sky. EnviroCoal shareholders watched the event online, applauding the 'bold performance' and tweeting their approval.  

"This is the best show I've seen in years!" declared EnviroCoal lawyer Johnson Quisling. "It breaks my heart to see all this destruction. What a powerful message. What a cautionary tale!" But not everyone was a fan of the fiery spectacle.  A group of residents tried to sue. But they lost, thanks to the new "Corporate Freedom of Expression" law.

By declaring the disaster "performance art", EnviroCoal is legally immune from all lawsuits by citizens, governments, or environmental groups*. "We're artists, not polluters," explained Mr. Fecklethorpe. "and we won't be censored by a bunch of liberal fringe-dwelling fact-crazed environmentalists!"

Corporate performance art is quickly becoming all the rage.  BP exploded several oil wells in the Gulf of Mexico last week. The critics raved. "Sexy and provocative," exclaimed art critic Jared Smear. "A fiery poem that will make your temperature rise." And NercoDyne Industries derailed a train full of flammable radioactive waste in a heavily populated part of New Jersey. "Five stars!" raved the New York Post. "It's like Burning Man, only bigger!"

But as corporations continue to shield themselves in the name of art, there is the growing need to take it to the next level. "Why destroy ecosystems for free when we can charge admission?" explained ExxonMobil executive Stanton Smackmouth.  "That supertanker that accidentally exploded in the Amazon last week? Edgy stuff. Hip, in-your-face awesomeness. Available on pay-per-view."

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* Based on reality. Offending corporations, like Freedom Industries, polluted a river in West Virginia, rendering water undrinkable for more than 300,000 people. Shortly afterwards, they declared bankruptcy, in order to shield themselves from lawsuits.

Anti News ©2014/2020 Chris Hume



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